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YOKAI MONSTERS: 100 GHOSTS!

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Yokai Monsters: 100 Ghosts ~ 1968, Kimiyoshi Yasuda, Japan

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100 Ghosts is the strongest film in what is already a remarkably strong franchise, the Yokai Monsters series, three rad movies which were produced by Japan’s Daiei Studios in the late 1960’s. 100 Ghosts feels like a Japanese book of scary stories masquerading as a costume drama, but each of the individual tales are well integrated into the plot, so in the end it feels like a single, concise narrative, rather than an anthology film, like Creepshow, or Two Evil Eyes. Unlike Spook Warfare, 100 Ghosts keeps its narrative focused on the mortal plane, and dishes out the yokai in more modest doses. This time, the Yokai don’t really feel like characters, and they have no evident personalities. Instead, we see them more as supernatural agents of cosmic retribution; delivering justice to those who break society’s moral code, and this makes them infinitely more frightening than the squabbling, almost humorous depiction we got in Spook Warfare. Really, this movie actually gets pretty damn spooky toward the end, and much like Daimaijin, another Daiei studios film which is thematically similar to 100 Ghosts (And also shares much of the same cast), 100 Ghosts takes it’s time setting the scene before it hits us with a heavy dose of monster. The pay off in this film’s third act is well worth the wait.

THE PLOT~  When a group of thugs rides into a small village in rural Japan and commences to destroy the local shrine, the villagers find themselves understandably confused and distressed. It’s about to get worse, though, because this is just stage one of their shitty plan; and stage two is to follow up the besmirching of this religious site with the abrupt destruction of the local tenement house, a structure which much of our central cast calls home. Apparently his is all legal, too, due to a shady alliance between a local businessman and a super corrupt Lord, who is basically a damn gangster. Once everything is torn down and smashed, the bad guys are going to open up a cheap brothel and basically ruin everybody’s lives, so naturally our main characters wanna put the kybosh on this evil scheme like, ASAP. Along with the help of a wandering samurai, the villagers hatch a plot to save the day.

I know what you’re thinking… When you look at it, this sounds like the plot to the most generic 80’s teen movie of all time. It’s basically Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, only in Japan, with monsters. “Hey, gang, we gotta stop the evil billionaire from tearing down our rec-center and opening a strip mall! Let’s organize a concert to raise community awareness!” Yeah, pretty much that’s the exact plot of 100 Ghosts, but you don’t really  notice that when you watch it, because this movie is awesome as hell, and also a lot of people die. Plus, in 100 Ghosts, our human characters aren’t even able to pull it off anyway, and the real solution ends up having nothing to do with them. Instead, it’s the yokai that save the day. Allow me to explain:

Having smashed the shrine to smithereens, our two bad guys decide to prematurely celebrate how awesome it is to be a big shit head with a night of recreational ghoul summoning. Sounds reasonable. They do so in the format of a rad party game called ‘The 100 Spirits ritual,’ which seems to be something like a group-friendly version of “Bloody Mary.” In order to conduct the 100 Spirits ritual, you must first gather a group of your friends and neighbors around a story teller, who then recites a series of cautionary ghost stories, which have all been handed down over the course of many centuries, or maybe just made up on the spot, depending on the credibility of the dude you hire. At the end of each story, a candle is lit (Or put out, I can’t remember. Don’t conduct this ritual at home.) Once all of the night’s stories have been told, and all the candles are lit, it is crucial that the storyteller conduct a “Curse elimination ritual“, because apparently just hearing these forbidden tales is enough to curse the shit out of you. Sounds like a pretty important part of the exchange to me, I would definitely want to take the extra time for the Curse Elimination Ritual, but our bad guys opt out. Having just sat through, like, 100 cautionary tales, they immediately prove that no amount of second-hand information is enough to teach them anything. Instead, they kick the story teller out, telling him not to let their sliding, paper door thing smack him in the side of the ass on the way out, and go on to chuckle turdishly about how ghosts are for losers and how neither of them are about to die terribly. Predictably, after this, the bad guys get the hell haunted out of them something fierce, which is super great to watch.

Like all of the Yokai movies, 100 Ghosts features a vast menagerie of ethereal Japanese bozo monsters, but none of them particularly hog the spotlight, except, of course, for the Umbrella Monster, which, just the very name of this thing is enough to raise an eyebrow. In all fairness, according to Yokai Attack; a nifty little book written by Hiroko Yoda (presumably of no relation to Jedi Master Yoda) and Matt Alt, the Umbrella Monster’s true name is Kara-Kasa, but holy shit, dude, who cares? Check this friggin’ thing out:

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‘What’ indeed!

Pretty much, this particular monster doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot. It likes to sneak up and lick people, and it looks like the deranged little brother of that sexy lamp from A Christmas Story.

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See the resemblance? Yokai are weird sometimes… Usually, even.

Like all of the Yokai films, even for the lousy ass one that Takashi Miike made in 2005, the greatest strength of 100 Ghosts is in just how many awesome, and unique, Japanese bogey men and women are crammed into the film’s brisk 90 minute run time, as well as the impeccable work by the art department in putting all of them together. Besides all the wonderful monsters, the set and costume design throughout the picture are also impeccable, and I’d say that 100 Ghosts really is Daiei at it’s best. All three Yokai films are legit gems, which remain puzzlingly under-appreciated stateside, and 100 Ghosts is easily the raddest of the batch. Go seek it out!

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YOKAI MONSTERS: SPOOK WARFARE!!!

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Yokai Monsters: Spook Warfare (AKA Big Monster War)- 1968, Yoshiyuki Kuroda, Japan

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Possibly the coolest thing Daiei studios ever did was it’s Yokai Monsters trilogy, three impeccably awesome monster flicks which highlighted a group of wildly diverse and creative Japanese folks spirits, from within the format of a period costume drama. These films are satisfying, fun, effective, and they feature peerless Showa era art direction, as well as Suitomation work which far exceeded the craftsmanship seen in better known Daiei franchises, such as the Gamera or Daimajin films. Seriously, these movies are inexcusably under-appreciated outside of Japan, and if I do one thing in my life which is both effective AND NOT blatantly immoral, let it be that I spread awareness of rad shit to people who don’t care. Yokai Monsters– if you’re reading this, it’s too late, I have already won.

“But just what in the hell is a yokai?” You ask, your Caucasian features twisted into a confused, pained mask of fair skinned befuddlement. Well, good friends, don’t be embarrassed, it’s not out of line for we non-Japanese folks to have no clue just what in the fuck a Yokai is, but there’s good news: I’m here to help you.

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You see, ‘Yokai’ is, from what I can tell, sort of an umbrella term, under which a general class of Japanese spirits, ghosts, and bogeymen are grouped. They’re similar to the Western concept of a ghost in its quasi intangible, immortal nature, but yokai aren’t necessarily the spirits of deceased human beings. There’s an incredible amount of diversity in the yokai community, one of these dudes appears to be nothing more than a long strip of sentient paper which flys around through the air. Another is an umbrella with one eye that likes to lick people. It’s kinda just a big, spooky, ghoul grab bag that contains an endless aray of total weirdos, but as freaky as these critters are, they’re also damn neat, and an absolute motion picture gold mine. All three of the Yokai films feature a wide range of these spirits, and that alone makes them a must-see  for fans of Japanese horror cinema.

THE PLOT~ When a terrible, Ancient, Babylonian Demon called ‘Daimon’ is accidently freed by foolish grave robbers, it flies across the globe and settles in Fuedal Japan, for no reason. Daimon, eager to get back into the swing of evil bullshit, kills and impersonates a local Lord, and in so doing, evicts Kappa, a water dwelling Yokai which had lived on the Lord’s property, presumably forever. Kappa is pissed, and he goes to tell all the other Yokai that some big, gnarly, foreign spirit is busting up shit in Japan, and he needs their help to make it right. Initially, all the other Apparations call bullshit on Kappa’s story, because he’s sort of like the Dave Chappelle of the Yokai kingdom, but they eventually come around and agree to help him. In the end, all the yokai are gathered for a massive conflict between the indigenous spirits of Japan, and this monstrous intruder, who just can’t play nice.

yokai06Also, sometimes the Yokai use profanity, and we all know that’s awesome.

The subtext should be pretty clear; this is a Nationalist, Japanese, knee-jerk reaction against foriegners, the outside world, and Western Influence. It’s also very possible that it’s specifically a religious statement, that is to say, Spook Warfare could be read as a Shinto-Centric denouncement of Christianity, an imported religion which had begun to gain popularity throughout Japan. Daimon is a Babylonian demon, but we may have just swapped one Middle-Eastern faith for another, making him a thinly veiled stand-in for Christianity all the same. His behavior and characteristics are also very much in line with the traditional European vampire, and at the end of the film, he is chased off by figures which are forever associated with an indigenous religion of Japan, so the argument that this is a big “You’re not welcome” sign pointed right in the face of people who straight up dig Jesus feels pretty sound. At one point, Daimon even goes after the children, and that’s when the Yokai REALLY get pissed. This is essentially the Yokai film equivalent of finding out that a missionary gave a pocket Bible to your ten year old, so now you’re losing your shit because Richard Dawkins is your god and you don’t want any of that stuff in your house.

That having been said, it’s not really as over the top as it sounds, and it’s hardly just cause for rounding up the neighbors and burning copies of Spook Warfare in the center of your cul-de-sac. This is just a little bit of Nihonen Xenophobia, and that’s a perfectly natural reaction for a culture to have when it perceives its natural identity to be challenged. Cut Japan a break on this one, and hopefully, they’d do the same for you. You’d be missing out on a great film otherwise.

Yokai Monsters: Spook Warfare is great. All three of these films really straddle the line between monster movie and ghost story, they’re fun, imaginative, and feature some of the best costume, set, and prop design ever to come out of the Showa era. I couldn’t recommend them more.

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SOCIETY!

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Society– 1989, Brian Yuzna, USA

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Yowza!

In the psychotronic community, Brian Yuzna is mostly known for three things; One; his long, fruitful working relationship with horror film icon Stuart Gordon. Two; he directed the two Reanimator sequels because Stuart apparently had better things to do, and three; he’s the dude behind The Dentist, parts one and two. Those are probably the best known highlight’s of Yuzna’s long, active career, but he’s done all kinds of other shit throughout the years, too, and of all the projects he’s ever laid his grubby little mitts on, Society, his first directorial effort, is far and away the finest accomplishment that he can rightfully claim to be his own. He really set that bar pretty high with this one, and never, ever came close to shining this bright ever again.

Seriously, this masterpiece came from the same dude who farted out Return of the Living Dead 3? Don’t get me wrong, I liked Riverman, but that movie… Damn…

Society is the story of a young man from a well-to-do family who becomes suspicious of the superficial class system into which he was born. Bill (Played by some bozo called Billy Warlock) feels alienated from his peers, and soon, he starts to see a darker, more perverse side of wealth, privilege, and social status, which casts his family, friends, and society as a whole, in a terrifying new light. As things become more and more bizarre, Billy quickly begins to suspect that there is more going on in his upper class community than appearances would suggest, and as he attempts to get to the bottom of it, the bodies begin to pile up.

Society touches on a lot of ideas regarding nepotism, class warfare, and even regular-ass teenage angst, but regardless of how specific, or universal, the message in this film feels to you, one thing is for damn sure; it’s spattered some seriously creepy sequences, and the pay off in the third act is tremendous. The special effects (All practical, mind you, this was ’89, after all) really steal the show, and give Society one set in stone reason why all horror fans should count this film as required viewing at least once in their lives. It’s much, much more over the top and silly than what you’d see in early Cronenberg films, but I’d still say that Society is a classic of the body-horror sub genre, so it does occasionally draw comparisons to David’s many forays into that territory. Even more importantly, it’s a pretty good time, and the “frustrated 80’s teen who can’t get the adults to listen to him” trope keeps the film feeling fun, and light, regardless of it’s somewhat subversive, anti-establishment message.

But it isn’t perfect. Society has a few bothersome flaws that hold it back from living that fly Criterion life. For one, the score is cheesy and obnoxious. Additionally, The lighting is bland for 98% of the runtime, and the cinematography is flat and lifeless throughout. If you’re familiar with Yunza’s catalog, then you already know that this is typical of his style, but in the case of Society, you could almost assume that it’s deliberate, like some sort of bizarre, self aware, Paul Verhoeven stlye attack the American social class system wrapped up in the trappings of a twisted, Hallmark Channel movie of the week. If you look at the film’s aesthetic in this way, it becomes an easier pill to swallow, but it still nags at the back of my mind as a legitimate drawback, because he clearly didn’t do this shit on purpose. I can pardon all of that, however, and if you’re anything like me, you can too, because Society is also a movie where THIS happens:

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Recommended Double Feature: Society and Brain Damage, OR Society and Flesh For Frankenstein!

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RED SUN!!!!!

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Red Sun ~ 1971, Terence Young

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When a botched train robbery leaves a rascally gunfighter betrayed by his gang, he is forced to join forces with a mysterious Asian warrior on a secret mission in the American west. Though they are initially unable to see eye to eye, these two slowly form a mutual respect for one anther, and embark on a grand adventure set against the rugged backdrop of the American frontier, which climaxes in a dramatic, bullet riddled standoff in an old, Spanish style mission. Sound familiar? It damn should, because Shanghai Noon grossed over $99,000,000 worldwide, and that’s an exact description of that movie’s plot. The things is, though, I’m actually talking about Red Sun, the movie Shanghai Noon ripped off, and guess what? The plot is exactly the same in both films.

Some folks I’ve spoken to have claimed that Shanghai Noon was, in fact, an admitted remake of Red Sun, but after some research I have turned up no official acknowledged of the debt Shanghai Noon owes to this film, and therefore I think we can safely say this was probably not an official remake. If I’m correct, then a more accurate description of this phenomena would be ‘blatant plagiarism.’ Any argument that the concept isn’t identical is, frankly, silly, and even worse, the script for Red Sun must have served as a rough framework for Shanghai Noon, because the structure is completely identical in both films, aside from a few added subplots. There are even some gags and emotional beats from the 1971 original that you see repeated in the 2000 rip off, and it’s rare that any remake stays this close to it’s source material, even in the world of actual, and official remakes. You could convince me that my own mother was a sock puppet operated by sasquatch before you even had me considering the notion that the person who wrote Shanghai Noon had never seen Red Sun. No other claim could possibly be more unrealistic, without question, this was a calculated attempt to repackage something great, and distribute it as something original; Shanghai Noon is not homage, it’s theft.

Now, I’m not saying that I hate Shanghai Noon, far from it, in fact. Jackie Chan, who is basically the Mickey Mouse of martial arts, is a global treasure, and his cross demographic appeal doesn’t need to be defended. Similarly, that movie has Owen Wilson Owen Wilsoning harder than he ever has before or since, and all of our lives are richer for it. What I DO mean to say, however, is that if you liked Shanghai Noon the first time, then maybe you’d also like it the REAL first time; and Red Sun IS the REAL first time.

So, having established a little bit that these films are remarkably similar to one another, let’s quickly talk about the few things that make them different. First things first, Red Sun doesn’t have Jackie Chan, it has Toshiro Mifune.

red-sun-1971-001-toshino-mifune-medium-shot-looking-down_0Awesome.

Mifune was actually born in China, but to Japanese parents, and is most readily identified as a Japanese actor, so in this version, our Asian delegates come not from China, but from Japan. This changes some superficial aspects of the movie, and gives us more swords, and less kung fu, but that it in no way hinders Red Sun’s ability to kick ass and be awesome. Jackie Chan and his hand-to-hand hijinks are fantastic, yes, but Mifune is a bad ass the likes of which we only see a few times per generation, and in this movie he brings the unreasonably cool art of samurai sword fighting to the American wild west with many a guttural bark and angular scowl, which is every bit as awesome in execution as it sounds on paper. Comparing Mifune to Chan is a real apples to oranges type situation, but I’d say the two are equally cool, regardless of how fundamentally different they are.

Similarly, where Shanghai Noon had Owen Wilson, here we have Charles Bronson, the impossibly easy-to-like  murder enthusiast from the blood splattered Death Wish franchise.

RHSyHtXCharles Bronson’s natural habitat is pretty much anywhere, provided he’s pointing a gun at someone.

In Red Sun, Bronson totally kills it, literally, and figuratively. as an actor, Bronson always managed to balance sardonic, wry charm with gritty, violent menace in a way that made him equally intimidating and likable, and off the charts on both counts. He does that here as well as he ever has, making his character incalculably more bad ass than Wilson’s inept, gun-slinging charmer, but this feels entirely appropriate since Red Sun is a much rougher ride.

And it really is, Red Sun is darker, and much more violent than the good natured and outwardly comedic Shanghai Noon. Charles Bronson does tell a few jokes here and there, but his wisecracking never manages to outpace his body count, and Mifune only has two modes; scowl, and kill… Which is so, so awesome. Also, there’s some nudity in Red Sun, and the Lucy Liu/Princess Pei Pei character is absent  entirely. Instead, our female lead is a prostitute played by Ursula Andress, who Charles Bronson kidnaps in order to piss off the bad guy. So, yeah. Murder and hookers. Maybe not a film to watch with the youngsters around, unless you want to train them to be awesome or something.

While Red Sun’s legacy is felt in every single moment of Shanghai Noon, the two films actually have differing thesis statements. Red Sun is basically a redemption story, with Charles Bronson playing the real central character, and Mifune teetering over into sidekick territory. In that film, Bronson and Mifune’s characters are roughly equal in their status as capable warriors, but Bronson has no moral compass and no sense of honor whatsoever. Through his meeting with Mifune, he witnesses firsthand the sturdy foreigner’s unwavering dedication to the samurai code, and Bronson slowly comes to understand the error in living life as a murderous, wise-cracking shit head. Thus, he decides to turn over a new leaf, a new, blood drenched, bullet riddled leaf, and maybe pay attention to morality every once-in-a-while. Shanghai Noon, on the other hand is more about Jackie Chan’s character, who, through his adventures with Owen Wilson, realizes that his centuries old beliefs and customs about honor and dedication to the Chinese Emperor are totally silly, and that instead he should just do whatever he wants, because China is really far away. Seriously, that’s the moral to that movie, go back and watch it. There are multiple scenes in the film where Chan says something about his oath to protect the princess, or what have you, and Wilson mocks him dismissively, saying that he’s in America now, the sun may rise in the east, but it sets in the West, so he shouldn’t feel shackled to the honor code he’s lived by for his entire life. This is basically an existential version of the “if they’re in a different area code, it’s not cheating” defense commonly used by douche bags and adulterers to justify the antics of  their wayward genitals, and it’s also the exact opposite of the thesis statement seen in Red Sun. All things considered, I’m not wild about Shanghai Noon’s small minded and culturally reckless thesis statement. ‘Merca.

Anyway. This review has mostly been about how Shanghai Noon ripped off Red Sun, instead of actually reviewing Red Sun, so I guess did kind of a shitty job. Oh well. Sorry, folks! Let me quickly say this; Red Sun is awesome, and criminally under-appreciated. The Wilson/Chan dynamic you loved in 2000 actually worked even better in 1971 with Mifune and Bronson, and honest, the talent on screen here isn’t a step down from what you’ve already seen, it’s a step up. Plus, crazily enough, Red Sun is actually made MORE entertaining if you come into it having already seen Shanghai Noon like, a hundred times. It sort of makes the experience seem almost surreal, like you somehow found the “real” Shanghai Noon. It feels like some sort of secret movie that the world forgot, and that Wilson and Chan tried to bury. All in all, it’s a pretty great find, and oddly enough, I think that Red Sun is equally recommendable if you loved Shanghai Noon, OR if you hated it.

Well worth checking out.

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Breakin’!!

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Breakin’ – 1984, Joel Silberg

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First of all, please- watch that trailer. Click this. Damn. That’s what we’re dealing with here.

Ever the bold pioneers, Golan-Globus, the same bonkers-ass production house that would later give us Over The Top, the Citizen Cane of competitive arm-wrestling movies, comes cinema’s first and most noteworthy foray into the dog-eat-dog world of street-rat dance-combat; BREAKIN’.

People hated this movie when it came out. I hypothesize that they just could not handle the funk. But let me tell you what, you son of a bitch- we can handle it now.

THE PLOT~ Kelly is a talented young woman with a bright future in the prestigious world of professional dancing, but when her strict-ass Dance instructor makes a pass at her, shes all like ‘No way, bro,” and then she promptly peaces out, at which point she falls in with two ragamuffin break-dancers from the streets named Turbo, and O-Zone. Equal parts inspired and excited by the passion and raw, senseless zazz of these dynamic and probably homeless performers, Kelly joins up with them in hopes of guiding the trio into a successful career in the surprisingly strict world of professional dancing- but is the world ready for poppings and lockings of this magnitude?! Also featuring Shooter McGavin, who is NOT a bad guy in this film! Imagine that!

So, immediately with this movie you’re having an amazing time. It’s visually engaging, the costumes are utterly bananas, and the soundtrack is sorta like what I imagine it would sound like to get locked in Rick James’ closet over the weekend. Some of the names in the credits alone are worth the trip- When you see “Adolfo Shabba-Doo Quinones” and “Michael Boogaloo Shrimp Chambers” in the credits, that’s basically a guarantee that shit’s gonna get cray-cray, and let me tell you, it does; more Moonwalking occurs during the opening credits of this movie than has happened on the surface of the actual moon. It’s intense. This thing is about dancing, first and foremost, and you can count on that being made very clear as the film progresses.

Now, time for absolute transparency; I am not a dancer. I know absolutely nothing about dancing, and I do NOT like dance movies… But I HAVE seen a few, be they your Step Ups, or your Stomp the Yards; and I feel confident when I say that Breakin’ is the best dance movie I have ever seen, and maybe the only one I have actually enjoyed. Credit where credit is due; this shit is full on impressive. Some of this dancing looks impossible, borderline Ray Harryhausen-esque, so maybe some of it has been jazzed up with special effects… I wouldn’t be surprised if there was at least frame rate manipulation, Jackie Chan Style, to help give it that visual pop, but one way or the other, it’s downright cool. Also, if this ISN’T fake, then these people are damn warlocks, and should be treated as superior to the race of Man. Actually, at one point in the film, Turbo DOES dance with an enchanted broom, but I’m totally willing to believe that he can just do that in real life at this point.

In keeping with the 1980’s style-guide for pop and genre movies, Breakin’s aesthetic and technical aspects are mercilessly shinny, which absolutely is appropriate, given the subject matter we’re dealing with. The movie actually looks pretty good for what was likely a pretty small budget, and that’s because Golan-Globus really knew how to get three dollars out of a quarter back in those days. They make it all count, and I think the time has come to emulate some of these magical 80’s tricks into the motion pictures of today…. Because our movies all look like shit now. Why so much steady cam?

However, before anyone thinks I’m submitting this film for admission to The damn Criterion Collection or something; I should point out that Breakin’ is also ridiculous as hell, and I totally acknowledge that. It’s pure 80’s nonsense, complete with training montages, a hillbilly fist fight, “you got served” style dance-off grudge-matches, and the tightest pants I have ever seen on a male in my life. They look like they’re damn painted on by the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue people or something. Honestly, it’s pornographic, these pants.

Casting Breakin’s three lead roles had to have been the single most crucial factor in the success or failure of the film, no question. It actually wouldn’t surprise me if Quinones and Chambers were discovered first, and the script was written with them specifically in mind, because writing a movie like this without talent in place would be risky at best and maddeningly negligent at worst. Finding human beings with screen charisma who could dance this well AND act well enough to carry an entire picture is a task which sounds full on Herculean in nature, so thank goodness for Shabba-Doo and Boogaloo Shrimp, the true saviors of Breakin’, and probably my life, if you get down to it. Lucinda Dickey is an asset to the film as well, but the truth is, she’s the weakest link out of the three. Also, Ice-T is in this movie, too…. Was he the worst rapper of all time, or is that just what rap sounded like in ’84? Rough.

Plot-wise, Breakin’ is silly, cheesy, predictable, and overly sentimental- all things a dance movie should be allowed to be, provided it’s also entertaining, which Breakin’ certainly is. Effectively, this is a feel-good, underdog story about challenging the stodgy old status quo, and the merit in being yourself. It’s a simple, dusty old message, but it’s surprisingly easy to feel good for these guys, because when things finally work out for them, they really do deserve it. For the most part, as long as you don’t go into this determined to have a bad time, Breakin’ is damn effective, and also for sure the greatest movie about challenging the status-quo with the power of dance to have been released in 1984. Oh, shit, Footloose also came out in ’84?!?

It’s more than a little ironic that a movie about being yourself and challenging the outdated status quo failed to succeed in doing so itself when the critics got their talons in it. In the same way that these characters had to struggle to win over their opposition, they’ll have to struggle to win you over, too- for me, it was surprisingly easy to temporary abandon my cynicism and condone such blatant acts of funky tomfoolery. Breakin’ gets my recommendation if you can manage to quiet your inner grump for an hour and a half, and if you happen to enjoy dance movies, holy shit, go watch this.

P.S. Avoid Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo like a pack if wild tigers infected with the black death. It’s such an irredeemable stinker that it will retroactively ruin Breakin’ for you. I’m serious.

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ZOMBIE!!!!

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ZOMBIE~ Lucio Fulci, 1979 – Italy

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As of 2015, zombies are super, super boring. That well is dry, there’s nothing left to harvest, the market is flooded with garbage, and we really need to move on to something else. Let’s do werewolves for a while, or something, anything else. We can come back to zombies in like, fifteen years, because honestly, I  cannot handle Zombieland 2, you guys. Please, don’t make me do it.

Actually, it’s worth pointing out that this has happened before, this is the third time that Western pop culture has been just gaga for friggin’ zombies. It’s super ironic, zombie movies rise up, become overwhelmingly numerous, die off, lay dormant for a few decades, only to rise and repeat the cycle again. I guess everything sorta does that… But anyway, this most recent cycle has been pretty lame overall, so if you count yourself as a zombie fan, it would be a good idea to go back and check out some of the classics from previous eras. Assuming you’ve seen the three original George Romero Dead films (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead,) this one right here would be my recommend for the next zombie flick you need to see. For more, check out this list I published some time ago for a couple extra recommends.

Released initially as an unofficial sequel to Romero’s Dawn of the Dead (which was called Zombie, or ZOMBI in Europe), Zombie (AKA Zombi 2) is a damn masterpiece. This was a better time for horror film in general, especially in Europe, where Italy and Spain really seemed to have the market cornered on trashy splatter films for a few years, some of which didn’t even suck. Zombie is one such film, and it truly is enjoyably gruesome, so much so, in fact, that it wound up on the U.K. Video Nasites hit list back in the 1980’s. Never fear, however, nowadays the movie is widely unavailable in it’s raw, uncut glory, so grab yourself a copy and stick it to the Queen of England for trying to keep rad movies out of the hands of the peasantry.

THE PLOT~ When a seemingly abandoned yacht drifts into The New York City Harbor, police make a grisly discovery which kicks off an island hopping adventure for a Newspaper reporter (played by Ian McCulloch) and the daughter of a missing scientist (played by Tisa Farrow.) Along the way, they’ll face many challenges, including an endless legion mindless, man-eating corpses, possessed of an unstoppable urge to kill, as well as the formidable winds of the open sea, which threaten to undermine the complex infrastructure of Ian McCulloch’s elaborate comb-over hair-do.

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Looks good, bro.

The movie is awesome start to finish, but it does have several especially well known sequences in it, two of which I think are worth mentioning here. Firstly, this movie features Fulci’s most infamous eye gouging scene ever, which, believe it or not, is a pretty prestigious accolade, because Fulci really liked to fuck people’s eyeballs up in his movies. He seemed to understand that folks really got super freaked out by that sort of thing, so anytime he wanted to make an audience to squirm even more than usual, eyeball destruction was one of his favorite go-to resources. Awesome. This one is pretty gnarly, and the British censors really didn’t like it. It’s a true highlight.

That scene is pretty great, but the second sequence I want to mention is more than great, it’s the stuff of legend. I’m going to break it down for you:

So, to start with, it takes place on a boat, far out in the ocean. We have not yet found our mysterious island, so there’s some tension built into the sequence from the beginning; Will we locate our destination? Will we not? Then, for reasons I do not remember and which are not at all important, it is decided that one of our female characters is going to go for a dive, and she’s going to do this wearing almost no clothing whatsoever. I take great care not to appear sexists in my writing, but if we are being candid, a huge cross section of Zombie’s audience is going to respond to that in a pretty favorable way, so it’s for sure worth a mention. Anyway, so we’ve got our mostly naked lady swimming around in this cool tropical, ocean setting, and then holy shit, suddenly there’s a big ol’ shark zooming up on her! She’s super scared, one minute she’s just swimming around, minding her own business, and the next, a freakin’ shark shows up. So far so good, right? Well, friends, it ain’t over yet. While hiding amongst a rad reef, hoping to escape the hungry snout of her menacing aquatic adversary, our frightened scuba-diving nudist happens upon another terrifying denizen of the deep; a mother fucking underwater zombie!!! We don’t know how this guy got down here, or how many other aqua zombies might be lurking about, but we do know one thing; Zombie is a film in which there is a sequence that features all of the following elements simultaneously:

A) An attractive, topless woman
B) A fucking shark
AND
C) A damn zombie, who is underwater for some reason.

And it’s a real shark! It might even be a real zombie, honestly, I wouldn’t put it past them. And they fight! You should all be ordering Zombie Blu Rays off of Amazon.com right now, even if you already own Zombie on Blu Ray. If you’re not, it’s safe to say that you and I will never truly be able to understand one another, though I am willing to try. This is, almost definitely, the single best use of the motion picture medium ever in human history, and if you cry a little bit the first time you watch it, please, don’t be embarrassed, that’s a perfectly natural reaction.

Plus, the rest of the movie is also super, super awesome. Zombie is a high water mark from the “Yes I’m grumpy, but I still give a shit” phase of Fulci’s career, so the production is quite competent, and even artfully executed at times. It features excellent photography, impressive special effects (for the late 70’s), a boss-ass theme song, and more than enough graphic, zombie related violence to please any seasoned horror fan who hasn’t already seen this movie two thousand times (assuming that someone like that even exists.)

Really, the only thing about this full blown super-classic that I can say which isn’t straight-up, glowing praise is that I have shown the film to lots of people before, and I am sometimes surprised when it fails to hold their interest. For many mainstream, American cinema-goers, the pacing and trappings of Euro-cinema can often prove challenging in unexpected ways. If you’re not used to this style of film, you may find yourself getting bored, though I cannot fathom how. For fans of Euro-sleaze, however, Zombie carries my highest recommendation, and I even encourage less seasoned zombie enthusiasts to give it a try. Truthfully, if you think you like zombies, you should WANT to see this.

A+

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Rebirth of Mothra!

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Rebirth Of Mothra – 1996, Okihiro Yoneda – Japan

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Everybody’s favorite giant ass, benevolent bug monster returns in this much-better-than-you’d-expect solo outing from the heart of the 1990’s, A.K.A.; The Heisei Period. It’s weird, by and large, Godzilla’s career in the this era hasn’t been all peaches and popsicles, in fact, some of those movies downright suck like crazy… but so far, based on the strength of this movie, Mothra is doing substantially better. I guess it’s too early to judge, though, this did end up being a trilogy, so we’ll see how well our big, furry bug buddy holds up three movies deep.

THE PLOT ~ Taiki and his sister Wakaba don’t get along. Neither do their parents, dad works long hours overseeing the logging/mindless destruction of precious natural sites, for the purpose of building parking lots, torture chambers, or slaughterhouses, presumably, and their mother stays home all day fabricating reasons to be angry at people, mostly their father, because fuck that guy. Then we have the two tiny, singing fairy ladies who live on Infant Island and serve as stewards to Mothra; their roles have been greatly expanded upon in this film, and in many ways drastically altered. In the past, these characters have been relatively singular in personality, lacking individual characteristics and instead operating in a more enigmatic, ethereal manner. In the case of Rebirth Of Mothra, they are now given individual personalities and names, Mona and Lora, respectively, and they no longer are of one mind on everything. In fact, they occasionally disagree. Additionally, these two decades old characters have also gained a third sister, Belvera, who is basically Rita Repulsa, but five inches tall. She’s the bad guy here, she rides on a little dragon. Full disclosure; I like Belvera.

So, one day, dad, who, again, works all the time, fuck that guy, right? He’s never home, he’s always off working really hard to pay for our groceries, the kids’ college fund, our mortgage, all our bills- What a dick! Anyway. He and his stalwart crew of Earth-murdering land developers happen upon a mysterious ancient site, which, unbeknownst to them, is the enchanted prison of a giant, gnarly dragon monster. Pops, again, thinking only of himself, pries a tiny, circular seal off of this archeological treasure with the intent of gifting it to his daughter Wakaba, but again, what a dick, in so doing, he weakens the prisons hold on Desghidorah, the aforementioned dragon, and it’s now only a matter of time before this beast busts loose. Desghhidorah is kind of cool, it basically looks like a grey, quadrapedal version of longtime Godzilla arch-villain King Ghidorah. They must be related.

So, dad returns home to the angry, frozen embrace of his eternally dissatisfied wife and gives the seal to his daughter as a necklace, which, unbeknownst to mom and dad, makes her the target of Belvera, who is super excited about setting Desghidorah free… For some reason. She hate people, I guess. Lora and Mona intervene, and they end up dogfighting with Belvera in a miniature moth/dragon aerial shootout that would be a lot cooler if the CG in ’96 wasn’t so PBS looking. Long story short, Belvera gets away with the seal, which is now a magical amulet, and sets Desighidorah loose. Lora and Mona summon Mothra, who is getting on in years, and she flaps her giant, furry groove thing on over to face an opponent that seems laughably more intimidating than she is. Mothra is, in turn, rewarded with a furious ass kicking, as she so often has been throughout her life.

In all the fury and dragon lasers, Mothra’s offspring, somehow sensing momma moth’s distress, busts forth from it’s egg prematurely, and wiggles it’s tiny larval form off to her rescue. Unrealistically, this infant caterpillar arrives at the scene of the battle more of less instantly, and attacks Desighidorah in a truly valiant fashion, only to then be deal a most savage beat-down in return which nearly kills it. Momma Mothra and her little Larva somehow escape with their lives, but as soon as they’re clear from the immediate threat of three-headed dragon attack, Mother Moth-Monster dies anyway, and sinks dramatically into the ocean. This is meant to be a a real emotional beat in the film, and it’s sort of embarrassing how effective that is. You really have to remind yourself that it’s a damn puppet in a swimming pool and not an actual guardian monster sacrificing her life for her offspring, but even so, you may get a little bummed out.

So, baby Mothra cocoons into a fully developed Moth monster, beats Desigidora’s ass, saves the day, and somewhere between fighting to save one another and baring witness to the glorious splendor of monster combat, the Goto family finds themselves closer than they have been in years, and all old grievances are forgotten, because, as I learned in couples counseling, “the family that survives a dragon attack together, stays together.”

So, there are a couple themes at play here, and none of them are subtle. The first, and most important (in the scheme of the film) is the importance of family, and the healing of strained familiar relationships. This is showcased most plainly in our central characters, the Goto family, and then repeated in the sisterhood of Lora, Mona and Belvera, and then again between Mothra and her offspring. The message of Rebirth of Mothra isn’t the least bit cynical, it is one of forgiveness and compassion, but the movie also has a three headed dragon that fights a caterpillar in it, so don’t be too turned off by its touchy-feeling nature.

The other theme is that of environmental conservation, which is secondary to the family unit theme, yet still extremely heavy handed and blatant. The movie is so Pro-Environmentalism that Al Gore keeps it in a secret drawer that his wife doesn’t know about, for night’s when he’s home alone and feeling frisky. Even so, if you aren’t especially into the whole “conservation thing,” it doesn’t go so over the top that it’s obnoxious, like Avatar does.. If you made it through that chore, you can make it through Rebirth of Mothra, piece of cake.

From a technical standpoint, Rebirth of Mothra is a mixed bag, but it’s still better than most of Godzilla’s recent pictures. What we have here are a bunch of practical effects which are mostly really good, and and a bunch of CGI that sucks really badly. There is one area where Rebirth of Mothra shines like the Arc of the Covenant, though; and that’s its pyrotechnics, holy shit, there are so, so, so many explosions in this movie, and they actually look super awesome. This is what I thought a Kiss concert was going to be like before I ever saw one. There are flames launching every direction, blasts of light exploding out of the Earth- I would normally discourage people from being all that charmed by what amounts to little more than a sophisticated fireworks display in a feature film, but whoever is responsible for these righteous fireball effects deserves a serious raise. Good job dude. How many moth puppets got scorched beyond usability during this shoot? It had to have been dozens.

There is also some pretty good photography, particularly in the third act, and for the most part, I was surprised how good Rebirth of Mothra ended up being. Really, the biggest issue you may have with the film is that, unlike the Heisei era Godzilla films, many of which took on a darker tone and more mature themes, this solo Mothra film is undeniably aimed at a younger audience. In fact, this is a kid’s movie- and that’s clear as day, my friend. For some of you, I expect that disqualifies it altogether- but if I was a kid I would love this thing. Even as an adult I really enjoyed it, I feel like it closely captured the spirit of Toho’s Showa era films, and the changes made to Mothra lore didn’t particularly turn me off- Toho has often shown little regard for continuity in the first place.

Highly recommended for younger audiences, especially those who dig on some of the Hero Godzilla films of the 60’s and 70’s, and actually, I would recommend this anyone who likes kaiju films at all. Lighten up, everybody, Rebirth Of Mothra is a good time!

A-

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KING KONG ESCAPES!!!

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King Kong Escapes – 1967, Ishiro Honda – Japan

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Don’t bother trying to type cast King Kong- this dynamic star of the silver screen will not be limited by the restrictive boundaries of your feeble imagination. No, he’s not all about swatting at biplanes, screaming woman in hand, whilst perched atop the Empire State Building. On the contrary, he does it all! On occasion, he might wrestle a dinosaur, or engage in a deadly battle with an android replication of himself while clinging to an enormous radio tower, screaming woman in hand. I’ve even seen King Kong swim! He’s like a giant, furry chameleon who can be anything you need him to be, and outside of the RKO original, there is no one movie that displays why Kong is so special more than this film, King Kong Escapes, Toho’s giant ape/kaiju romp follow up to it’s cash cow crossover King Kong VS Godzilla. This time they’ve really pulled out all the stops, and the result is one of my favorite kaiju films ever.

THE PLOT~ Deep beneath the icy surface of the North Pole there is a great abundance of a valuable and highly radioactive substance called Element X. Dr. Who (?!?!?), international super-villain of James Bond proportions, wants to mine these resources and sell them to the highest bidder- and he happens to already have an interested party footing the bill for his efforts. Now, retrieving this resource is difficult- humans can’t do it, because of the radiation. Obviously, if we were to try and think of the best method for retrieving radioactive minerals from beneath the icy strata of the North Pole, the very first, and best option would be to make a giant ape do it for you. Everyone knows that nobody digs stuff up out of ice better than giant apes do, that goes without saying, but apparently the giant ape store was sold out, so Dr. Who instead designs a robot which is shaped like a giant ape, because that would definitely be the second option you’d pursue in that situation. Long story short- this ape’s circuits fries from exposure to Element X, and it’s time to formulate Plan C.

Meanwhile, a U.N. Submarine, carrying our three protagonists (Commander Carl Nelson, Lieutenant Susan Watson, and Commander Jiro Nomura), docks in an inlet off the coast of Mondo Island for repairs, a coincidence which leads to the rediscovery of big ol’ King Kong, who lives on Mondo and spends his days clobbering the hell out of a variety of awesome, dinosaur type monsters.

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He does this all day every day.

Kong, upon seeing Lieutenant Watson, immediately falls in love with her the way only a giant, three hundred foot tall ape can. He certainly has a type, and that type is impossibly small women. For real, he’s friggin’ giant, and she’s tiny even by human standards.

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Look how little she is! She’s like a hobbit.

The three sail their sub right on back to civilization to spill the beans about Kong, and the news rocks the scientific community, which, I imagine, is made up of at least 80% mad scientists. One of these deranged, and learned men just so happens to be our very own would be Element X distributor, the vile and diabolical Dr. Who, who views the discovery of Kong as a fantastic opportunity to do some more shady shit, because he’s a man with vision and priorities.

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Who has no trouble kidnapping Kong and transporting him to his Top Secret Ice Station Hideout, and he similarly manages to kidnap Nelson, Watson and Nomura without much fuss, thinking that he may be able to use them to control Kong, since everybody knows that big monkey is sweet on Watson. We quickly learn, however, that while Dr. Who must have gotten an A+ in Kidnapping 101, he’s actually really shitty at executing pretty much any other aspect of his evil schemes, and once again everything falls apart on him really bad. How hard is it to force a giant ape to dig up radioactive minerals?! Really hard, I guess. In the end, we wind up back in Japan with Kong and Mecha Kong slugging it out on a giant metal tower of some kind, which is at least nineteen different varieties of awesome simultaneously and I love it so much.

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There are a few special things that really work in King Kong Escapes, and I want to go over them each individually, list style, as is my preference. Here we go:

1. Dr. WHO- Oh, hell yes. This ain’t your daddy’s Dr. Who. This guy is your proto-typical comic book super villain, which is just so great. At one point, Who busts a cap in the ass of a Javanese Island Priest just because guns are awesome and this guy was there, so of course it was going to be murder time. Hours later, as this mortally wounded priest lay clutching his chest, moments from death, he describes his killer to Commander Nelson as “An oriental skeleton, a devil, with the eyes of a gutter rat.” Upon hearing this, Nelson knows exactly who we’re talking about. “It must be my old friend, that international Judas; DR. WHO!” That’s an actual line from the movie, dude.

Well, I don’t know about the eyes of a gutter rat, but I kind of get the skeleton bit, Who’s physique is decidedly tall and gaunt, but the first things about him that catch my eye are his eyebrows- which are flamboyantly evil in nature, and his teeth, all of which appear to be at war with one another. Honestly, his mouth is like The Thunderdome- twenty eight teeth enter- one tooth leaves. Note to Dr. Who; instead of focusing on conquering the world or building giant robotic apes, maybe brush your fucking teeth now and again, because your smile looks like a damn orphanage fire.

dr-who-toho Your teeth are gross, dude.

  1. Mecha Kong- Initially, I assumed that Mecha-Kong was just a lame Mecha-Godzilla rip off, after all; Toho ain’t afraid to reuse ideas, we know this. But here’s the catch: Mecha Kong came first! Total mind blow! Mecha Godzilla is the rip off, and NOT the other way around! Behold, the true original giant robot doppelgänger! Mecha-Kong is super cool, too, and I really wish he’d been in the movie more. His battle against Kong at the end of the picture is awesome, but you can never have too much Kong on Kong violence, that’s what I always say.

King_Kong_Escapes_Art_featuring_King_Kong_Mechani-Kong_and_GorosaurusAlso, this scene never actually happens in the movie, and that is inexcusable.

  1. King Kong- This is the best job Toho has done with King Kong by far- Which, sadly, isn’t saying much. Their take on the big hairy galoot back in King Kong Versus Godzilla basically sucked out loud, looked like a sack of shit, and had little to no charm or personality to him at all. This Kong still looks super frumpy, but there’s something so much more endearing about it this time around, and probably that’s a reflection of how much fun the movie is overall, coupled with how refreshing it is to again have a monster with such a soft side for petite, human women. I can relate to that. Toho really establishes Kong as being a “good guy” monster with this movie, and this is long before Godzilla had quite turned the corner into the heroic antics he’d be known for in his later movies, so in a lot of ways, King Kong Escapes is actually leading the trend ahead of Big G, even though the casual observer would likely assume the exact opposite. For me, that gives this movie even more street cred.

968full-king-kong-escapes-screenshot If I were to point out any downsides to King Long Escapes, I guess I could say that perhaps the biggest problem with the film is it’s portrayal of Lieutenant Susan Watson, a whimpering, simple-minded female and potential future bride to a towering Javanese ape monster, who is herself essentially helpless. Toho, on average, was actually markedly less sexist than most studios back in this golden age of monster cinema, but with King Kong Escapes, they certainly muddy their track record. It’s weird, all the Godzilla films are all littered with strong, intelligent female characters, both as protagonists and antagonists, but this movie is a major departure from that progressive attitude. This therefore begs the question; is this 180 specifically meant to be a slam on American women? Watson is, I believe, our first white, American woman to have a major role in one of these films, is her race or nationality the reason she’s been painted in such an unflattering light? Or could it be a result of Toho’s effort to replicate the feel of RKO’s original King Kong film from 1933? We may never know, but either way, Watson is completely helpless, and basically a fool, which is definitely a shame. We’re used to seeing better from Toho.

…But I would call that the one flaw here. King Kong Escapes is otherwise a home run, and probably Toho at it’s wackiest, with the exception of the certifiably insane Frankenstein Conquers the World. There’s a lot to love here, without question. Dr. Who is, for sure, the single greatest human villain in the expanded Godzilla cinematic universe, and he leaves the aliens Godzilla keeps clashing with in the dust. It’s a shame he doesn’t pop up again, or that Toho didn’t lean on this idea more often in it’s giant monster films. Even better, probably because of Toho’s attempts to retrerofit Western ideas from the American Kong franchise into it’s own universe, King Kong Escapes comes across feeling different and distinct from other films under the Toho banner, but not so much that it feels like it doesn’t belong. On my list of Toho favorites, this one lands pretty near to the top.

A

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Godzilla Versus The Sea Monster!

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Godzilla Versus the Sea Monster, AKA Ebirah: Horror of the Deep ~ 1966, Jun Fukuda – Japan

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Immediately following Invasion of Astro Monster, which was perhaps Godzilla at his most recycled, we have Ebirah, Horror of the Deep, one of the freshest films in the series up to this point. Thanks, Toho, and not a minute too soon!
For Ebirah, we have a new director, Jun Fukuda, and his style is a serious breath of fresh air. While I would never want for this to sound like a dismissal of Ishiro Honda’s remarkable talents, I will say that there is certainly enough room under the kaiju umbrella for more than one voice at the helm of the Godzilla franchise, and if there was ever a time that new blood was needed, it was right around 1966. The movie also moves the action from Japan’s cities and countryside to a remote, tropical island, and this shift in setting only further accents just how off the badly beaten path this film was to the series at that time.

THE PLOT- Although his brother’s ship has been lost at sea, Ryota is utterly convinced that he is somehow alive. He’s so convinced, actually, that he ends up hijacking a boat and dragging three total strangers, one of whom is a damn bank robber, on a fool-hearty adventure to find and rescue his lost sibling, and the group wastes no time becoming shipwrecked themselves when they are attacked by a huge, lobster type monster named Ebirah, leaving them stranded on the shores of a mysterious island.

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As the four soon come to realize, this island is controlled by a secretive paramilitary organization called The Red Bamboo, who have been using kidnapped natives from Infant Island as slave labor. Word of advice to the world’s paramilitary organizations; if you intend to kidnap islanders for slave labor, maybe pick a group that can’t pray to a giant, flying guardian monster to save them. I really hoped you’d use better judgment, guys.

Through their jungle adventures, our boys pick up a fifth friend, a female from Infant Island, and also discover Godzilla snoozing aggressively in a giant pile of boulders in one of the islands caves. Long story slightly less long, they wake up Godzilla, and shit get’s smashed. It’s really great!

godzilla-vs-sea-monsterI imagine that Ebirah would be Godzilla’s most delicious foe.

First, let’s talk about what Fukuda does that rocks my business so hard- his directorial style feels much more in line with the youthful bounce of 60’s beach cinema than Honda’s classical, 50’s screen aesthetic. While Honda’s work is tops, Fukuda’s feels great, too, and it really works in Ebirah. Here we have a noticeably more dynamic use of composition and moving camera, we have occasional zooms and dolly’s, even some dutch angles. The monster encounters are, in my opinion, drastically improved by this new, more dramatic use of camera, with angles shifting from claustrophobic close ups which stress the size of these beasts, to frantic, sometimes first person perspectives used in the fights between Godzilla and Ebirah. At one point, Godzilla’s fire breath is belched directly into the camera- I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve seen that in this series, correct me if I’m wrong. This might be a controversial statement, but I feel that Fukuda’s use of camera in Ebirah is more effective when dealing with monsters which we are supposed to believe are enormous than what I’ve seen in previous Hondra directed outings, and I can’t remember being as impressed by the visuals in one of these movies since the first Godzilla film back in ’54.

The music undergoes a shift, as well. Akira Ifukube always brought a strange, Japanese folk inspired Bushido dirge to the series, but for this film we have a new composer, Masaru Sato, and, like Fukuda, he brings things up to date with a bouncier, zanier beach pop sound, and even some traces of surf rock guitar. I think it works, and it certainly adds to the film’s upbeat tone. Again, no disrespect meant, Ifukube is an absolute master and his work in the Godzilla franchise cannot be praised enough, but right now, we needed something new, and we got it. As a result, this movie benefits, and so does the audience.

On the setting: The tropical island thing isn’t totally unseen in these Toho kaiju pictures, but ordinarily, the action is always moved back to Japan and out of these remote locations. Not so with Ebirah, here, that’s where the meat of the story sits, and the implications of this give us a very different film. By removing the inevitably of city smashing and innocent casualties that are unavoidable when Godzilla thrashes around well populated areas, he is here free to stomp bad guys exclusively, and in this way he can continue his path toward becoming a more heroic figure, something Toho seemed interested in pursuing at this time. It’s also a lot more cooperative with the notion of the film being more fun and less dark, which it absolutely is. Hell, the Godzilla/Ebirah battle scene starts off with a rousing game of monster volleyball, and then leads into some Dick Dale guitar/submarine beast throw down type stuff, I’d have to think that Fukuda went into this wanting us to have a positive experience.

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And I think you will. Only the stodgiest of Godzilla traditionalists would throw up their arms in protest of Fukuda’s treatment of Big Green, and my guess is most of those people died in the theater back in ’98 when Roland Emmerich’s American ‘Zilla film premiered, so we shouldn’t hear too many objections to this glowing review. Or will we?!?

A

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GHIDORAH THE THREE HEADED MONSTER!!!

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Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster ~ 1964, Ishiro Honda -Japan

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Hell yeah! After the somewhat less than thrilling Mothra VS Godzilla, we are again back on the right track with the excellent Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster, one of the best Godzilla films released up to that point. This movie is relevant for a couple reasons, but also it’s really, really cool. End of review?

THE PLOT- Strange, global anomalies are on the rise. Both Godzilla, and Rodan have returned from wherever the hell they were and for however the hell long they were gone, UFO sightings are becoming more frequent, and a strange meteorite falls to Earth and lands in the mountains, eventually cracking open to reveal Ghidorah, a three headed douchebag from space. Initially, Godzilla and Rodan are disinterested in Ghidorah, or the threat he poses to humanity, as they are much more interested in kicking each others asses simply because the other chose to exist, but Mothra, understanding Ghidorah to be a death sentence to Planet Earth, makes a desperate appeal to them to unite with her against the onslaught of Ghidorahs crazy lightning breath and loud dragon shrieks. The forces of Godzilla, Rodan, and Mothra (only a larva this whole movie) combine, and beat the hell out of Ghidorah until he flies away.

Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster has a pretty involved plot, with multiple characters who are conneghidorahcted to one another in various ways, but all the film’s events center around one character – a Princess with amnesia who believes herself to be from Venus, and who also seems to have some psychic abilities. Is she crazy? Maybe? Probably not? Anyway, hot on her trail are some menacing would-be assassins, and she’s really the anchor that holds the narrative together. Everybody wants to either kill her, save her, or exploit her in some way.

This complex plot is welcome, though the film still makes use of scientists and journalists as it’s main stable of characters, it manages to avoid the recycled vibe that had started creeping into the series in prior instalments, and that’s really important. The human characters are all likable, and we don’t feel like we’re wasting our time with them, plus the tiny singing ladies from Infant Island show up, as well, and they’re always good.

Even more crucial; Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster delivers on the kaiju front. List time;

  1. Four monsters! – That’s two more than two! At this point, this was the closest to a wall to wall monster fest a kid could hope for, and these are quality kaiju we’re talking about here, none of that Jet Jaguar shit. Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra and the424440-giant-monster-movies-ghidorah-the-three-headed-monster-poster-2 newly introduced King Ghidorah is a pretty A-List line up.
  2. The fights– The monster fights in this movie are all great. The big, four-monster brawl at the end starts off strong and kinda ends on an off note, but it’s still very enjoyable.

Something to mention, though… Although the Rodan VS Godzilla fight is still pretty cool, there are a lot of points during that one that start to look less like a fight, and more like a sex scene. Kind of a lot. And the Ghidorah fight at the end does look slightly gang bang-ish at times, too. Am I suggesting that Toho was having some fun with us? That Ishiro Honda was really into monster porn? No. I don’t know what I’m saying; but turn this movie on and tell me it doesn’t look a little bit like Godzilla and Rodan are doing it.

  1. Monster personality!!! – This is, for sure, the first time in the series we actually get an insight into these monsters individual personalities, and it is surprisingly fun and rewarding (also a little silly, but who in the hell cares, this is a movie where two radioactive dinosaurs and a caterpillar battle a three headed asshole dragon from beyond the stars. I would hope that you could pardon a little silliness). Mothra literally speaks to Rodan and Godzilla. Apparently, these skreeonks and assorted beast screams are actually a universal monster language, and the Tiny Women from Infant Island translate the conversation for us. Mothra comes across compassionate and magnanimous, and both Godzilla and Rodan are grumpy, stuborn dicks. Awesome. They both refuse to help, until Mothra says “Okay, looks like I’m gonna have to go it alone,” and wiggles off to her certain doom, at which point Rodan and Big Papa G quickly decide “F that, no way!” And rush to Mothra’s rescue. The whole sequence is a really fun insight into a side of these characters we haven’t seen before, and in fact, it makes them enjoyable characters in a new way. It is at this point that Godzilla really begins his transformation from the terror of Japan to the likable, ornery, anti-hero he would be for most of the remaining Showa era films. It’s a major turning point in the series, and it helps to boost Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster up, making it one of the better films in the entire cannon.

Plus, Rodan isn’t in enough movies.

A

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