DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on February 16, 2017 by Kristoph Johannes

Darkness~ Leif Jonker, 1993, USA

If Dave Mustaine’s acid wash jeans were somehow transformed into a vampire movie, that movie would be Leif Jonker’s Darkness, and holy fuck, would it ever be awesome. Purported to have been written by Jonker when he was a mere 17 years of age and shot over the course of nearly three years in a Kansas Suburb, Darkness is an ultra low-budget, high gore Vampire film featuring a small band of teen agers fighting for their lives against a legion of their now undead peers. Here’s a fun drinking game for you and your friends to play; stick a copy of Darkness into your DVD player and take a shot every time you see the most metal shit you’ve ever seen in your entire life. You will all succumb to alcohol poisoning and die instantly.

Story isn’t a HUGE part of the equation here, remember, this is said to have been written by a 17 year old. I believe it, too, the plot is about what you’d expect to see in the spiral notebook drawings of the kid in your science class who wore the exact same Cannibal Corpse T-shirt everyday and never made eye contact with anybody. As it is, the story goes as such: A wave of vampire attacks is sweeping across Kansas, hitting each town one by one. Tobe, a mullet sporting teenaged survivor of one such attack, takes to the road on a mission to hunt the blood suckers down and slay them all in an act of awesome, heavy metal revenge. Meanwhile, another group of angsty youths, who were out of town at a metal concert (hell yeah) on the night their town got hit, return home to discover the grisly aftermath of last night’s vampire onslaught, and are immediately forced to struggle for survival amongst a sea of soulless, gore caked ghouls. They soon happen upon Tobe, and decide join him in his quest, since they sure as shit aren’t getting much done on their own, and evidently his background stocking convenience store shelves has somehow prepared Tobe for Vampire combat in a way few could have predicted. Thing happen, people get chased, people get bit, and it all builds up to a climax that delivers in a big way. I’ve been told that spoiling the end of these movies is irritating, so that’s all I’m going to say, but I do want to assure you: shit get’s awesome.

I’ve chosen to include the following pictures to substantiate my claim that this shit is rad as fuck:

I believe I have made my point.

Jonker clearly loved The Evil Dead, and one can spot that films as an influence routinely throughout Darkness, but it also feels somewhat reminiscent of The Dead Next Door, partially because of it’s washy, grainy aesthetic. It sorta looks like it was shot on Super 8, although I can’t be sure, but the washed out, fuzzy look actually lends itself well to Darkness‘ bleak, suburban hellscape atmosphere. In this case, it feels like a boon, and not a detriment. Occasionally we get some pretty effective visuals, and the film is executed quite admirably considering the complete drought of budget or resources available. The special effects in particular are nothing less than excellent, Darkness makes it a point to deliver big on blood and gore, because they know that’s about all they can promise the audience. The overall experience feels something like a middle point between The Evil Dead and Violent Shit (Review), and yes, I know, that’s fucking rad as hell. Actually, I might put this closer to Premutos, as it’s significantly better made than Violent Shit… but still much less accessible or polished than The Evil Dead.

Hey, look, MORE awesome shit.

And yes, it is super, super metal. This is the most metal film I’ve seen since Transformers The Movie (the cartoon one. The good one!) There are almost no adults in the entire film, suggesting that for three years, this was easily the coolest thing to do in Wichita if you were between the ages of 15 and 20 (and you were doing homework like a sucker!). It’s just a massive legion of butt rock kids running around in the dark, being mutilated and/or horribly mutilating each other, decked out to the nines with the best fake blood a minimum wage fast food job can buy, and set to a soundtrack of gloomy tones and underground thrash metal. I hope it’s coming across that I mean this all in the best way possible, Darkness, in many ways, delivers big time on promises that much more notorious splatter films fail to keep.

I will openly admit, however, that it’s absolutely not for everyone. The acting is amateurish (or worse), many of the shots aren’t lit for shit, the sound is poor, and some cuts of the film are over-narrated with an lame voice over that doesn’t add much to the film… in other words, all the traditional pitfalls of Splatter Cinema are here in full force. If any of those things bother you, then you’re not going to love this movie much at all. As for the rest of you, Darkness is quite possibly the dragon you’ve been chasing all this time. It is a fantastic example of what it wants to be, and is, no exaggeration, one of the best splatter films I’ve ever managed to track down.

A-

Burial Ground!!!

Posted on October 22, 2016 by Kristoph Johannes

Burial Ground: The Nights Of Terror ~ 1981, Andrea Bianchi, Italy

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Burial Ground is a film about a lot of things… It’s a film about overcoming adversity, it’s a film about confronting the past, it’s a film about survival… but mostly it’s a movie where a full grown man plays a child who really wants to bang his mom. Yep. Now, granted, this is a very small man, but he’s definitely an adult human being, and not a child by any stretch of the imagination. And again, as I mentioned a moment ago, he really, really wants to have sex with his mom, and the reason why any of that was included in this film remains shrouded forever in mystery and lost to time. This is a movie where rotting corpses rise from their graves to tear human beings apart and devour their flesh, and none of that is even one tenth as creepy as this fucking kid/mom/incest subplot.

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Plus, he looks like that.

THE PLOT~ When some professor/archeologist/whatever type guy removes an engraved plate from an ancient ruin, he unwittingly triggers a centuries old curse that reanimates the dead and imperils every lusty Italian in the immediate area. What a dumb ass, huh? Meanwhile, our cast of totally forgettable characters all arrive at the beautiful, stately Italian villa which may or may not belong to the aforementioned professor, and which also appears to be on the same property as this ancient tomb for some reason, for a weekend of aggressive sex in as many locations as possible, as often as possible. Solid plan. Sadly, none of these idiots is yet aware that the zombie apocalypse is upon them, so they only get in about fourteen or fifteen sex scenes before the place is just crawling with ghouls and everyone is forced to switch to survival mode. From there it’s your typical Night of the Living Dead style survival zombie film, they barricade, they fight, they die, the end. It’s actually pretty fun!

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Burial Ground is a rip off, and no buts about it. If you read the plot blurb above, the you already know that these guys watched Romero’s contributions a time or two, but this flick is also clearly indebted to Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, at one point even going so far as to directly copy of one of that film’s most memorable eyeball related gore gags. Even so, in watching Burial Ground, you’re more likely to be reminded of Jean Rollin’s Grapes of Death, or even the uber-shabby mummy/zombie mash up Dawn of the Mummy, as Burial Ground is tonally dissimilar to the work of either Romero or Fulci.

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I actually sort of love it it. The make up effects are truly terrible, but the music is really great. It’s much more ambient and freeform than the synth scores you would get from Goblin or Fabio Frizzi, but it suits this film excellently. Burial Ground is also super pleasant visually, whoever managed to acquire this location for the film should be given a freakin’ trophy, because it probably saved the movie in the end. The grounds and house are both beautiful, and do more to push this film in the arty/poetic direction that Rollin has on lock than any other element in the mix by far. That’s not to say that the movie feels anywhere near as poetic as the work of Jean Rollin, and truthfully, it doesn’t want to be, which is okay. The proof is in the pudding, and Burial Ground is very forthcoming about its intentions; it wants to entertain, and deliver. In this film we don’t waste any time with plot, character development, or really anything that takes too much mental energy. Instead, we get zombies; we get them fast, and in as much abundance as is available, and to hold us over while we wait the scant few minutes it takes to fetch our wobbling ghouls, we are compensated with liberal doses of naked Italians gettin’ busy. Folks, Burial Ground isn’t here to judge. Burial Ground knows what you want, and you don’t have to pretend with Burial Ground. Burial Ground isn’t the kind of movie you take home to mother, but it’s the kind of movie you meet in a back alley when you really need a fix.

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VIDEO NASTY BREAKDOWN

Yep! is also made the list of gnarly flicks which raised the English Ire back in the rough and tumble 1980’s! So, how does it compare to all the other films it tries so very hard to imitate? Pretty damn well, actually. Burial Ground has lots of footage of people having their guts fondled and yanked out by grizzled old zombies, but it also has a few memorable gags and scenes that stick out to the viewer; such as a somewhat elaborate sequence involving a dart and a scythe. More than anything else, what probably put Burial Ground on the map for both British Censors and psychotronic film fans is its puzzling inclusion of the aforementioned incest subplot, as well as the hardcore off-putting choice of casting a full grown man to play the role of Michael, who is supposed to be the child in question. We’re pretty much forced to assume that the biggest reason behind these decisions was that it was one more way to jazz the film up with sensational content that was smutty, and which felt markedly inappropriate, both traditionally seen as desirable traits for Italian Genre films. In the end no matter how you feel about the movie, Michael’s horrifyingly wrong relationship with his mother makes Burial Ground difficult to forget, and it also adds a lot of weight to later scenes in the film, wherein we learn the fate of young(?) Michael. Burial Ground’s blood and gore isn’t quite as over the top as some other films in the Video Nasty lexicon, but it hits home, because Burial Ground doesn’t work hard- it works smart. And by smart, I mean they cast an adult man as a child who wants to bang his mom, and then we see his corpse being eaten, and it’s super bloody and I love it. You probably will, too. burial10

It also has one of the most bleak and nihilistic endings of any zombie film ever, which is quite a statement indeed. Suffice to say, nobody survives this one, and we end with a freeze frame, followed by this text (spelling errors included):

“The Earth Shall Tremble…
Graves Shall Open…
They Shall Come Among the Living as Messengers of Death and there shall be the Nights of Terror…

Profecy of the Black Spider.”

DAMN! That’s the most metal shit I’ve ever heard in my LIFE. So, yeah, if you want to know more about The Black Spider and whatever his deal was, then be my guest and google that shit. Meanwhile, this is a pretty amazing way to end a zombie movie, and I don’t even know if that caption is bogus or not. I really don’t care. At the end of the day, Burial Ground pretty much delivers in the same way that junk food does, it’s not good for you, but if that’s what you wanted, you wouldn’t have bought those Cheetos in the first place.

A-

ANTHROPOPHAGUS!!!!

Posted on September 15, 2016 by Kristoph Johannes

Anthropophagus~ Joe D’Amato, 1980, Italy

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Anthropophagus is totally awesome… But, oddly enough, this opinion is not a universally acknowledged.

LIke it’s director Joe D’Amato, Anthropophagus is quite well known, but not necessarily well liked. In his time, D’Amato would have been overjoyed come in third in any race, but the truth is, he was never anyone’s favorite Italian genre director, he was always just sort of around. He churned out plenty of pictures, however, and while his body of work has it’s share of stinkers, there are a few real goodies, as well. Take this one, for instance; Here, in Anthropophagus, we have a film maker with very little at his disposal, but who looked at the tools he had, identified which ones were truly valuable, and then stretched the shit out of these resources until they were damn near maxed out to hell and back. These efforts are not wasted; Anthropophagus shakes what it’s momma gave it, and its milkshake truly does brings all the boys to the yard. Get ready for a gross, gross movie.

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THE PLOT~ A quaint, sparsely populated Greek Island is transformed into a gore strewn hell on Earth when a shipwrecked family man turned blood thirsty cannibal washes up on it’s shores, only to then slaughter and gobble down every man woman and child in sight (except for two, who are apparently really good at hiding.) Inconveniently, our group of happy-go-lucky travelers have chosen the worst possible time to visit this scenic, Mediterranean locale for their vacation getaway, and by the time they discover that something it’s truly, terrible wrong, it’s too late, and they find themselves stuck on the island with no way to communicate with the outside world, and no choice but to square off in a violent struggle not to be some swarthy Greek dude’s lunch. It doesn’t say anywhere that this is based on a true story, but damn, I really want it to be.

MV5BMTY2MjExOTk1M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzI3OTM5._V1_SX640_SY720_ Regardless, It’s a great idea for a story, and from the very beginning of the film, it’s clear that D’Amato wants to build mood and atmosphere, even if his threadbare production feels woefully outmatched by the more sophisticated operations his peers were conducting at the time. When people think of Italian horror films in the 1980’s, one of the stylistic traits that all of these movies seem to have are their sophisticated, jazzy lighting setups, and that’s one thing you’ll notice is absent from Anthropophagus immediately. D’Amato appears to be relying on natural light whenever possible, and when that option isn’t available to him, his fallbacks seem to range from the shitty, to a fucking flashlight. His exterior landscape shots are fantastic, but much of the film feels woefully flat, even if the flashlight gags are fairly endearing. Still, in true Anthropophagus tradition, he milks what is working for him as furiously as possible, and we are treated to some great photography of coastal villages, stately manors, and rad ass Greek tombs, so the visuals here do occasionally deliver, they just don’t “Argento-Deliver.” anthrop5

Almost certainly the greatest asset Anthropophagus has at its disposal, however, is reliable old George Eastman, who both co-wrote the film along with D’Amato, and stars as the titular cannibal. Eastman will be a familiar face to fans of 80’s Euro-shlock, but he’s never been better utilized in a film than he is here. This movie goes the extra mile to make its monster scary, and part of that is taking full advantage of Eastman’s tall, imposing physique. Another part of it is making him look fucking gross and including plenty of sequences where he tears people apart and eats them on camera, both of which are wise choices for a low budget horror film. This is a slasher where the killer doesn’t just kill you, he damn eats you, on the spot, raw. Not even Leatherface is that hardcore! Even with the film’s many shortcomings, the handling of Eastman as the monster is done so well that I would call Anthropophagus a reasonable creepy film, every bit as scary as anything Fulci ever shot, even with it’s clumsy production and irritatingly lame soundtrack. The reveal of Eastman in all his gross glory is a particular highlight that was executed fantastically well, for example.

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VIDEO NASTY BREAKDOWN

Since this is one of the better known Video Nasties, one would be well within their rights to wonder just where Anthropophagus lands of the “obscene piece of filth” scale. Well, the answer is that it fits in quite well, but it doesn’t exactly lead the pack. There’s no onscreen nudity or sex to speak of, an oddity indeed in those days, and there are actually plenty of long, drawn out sequences throughout the film which are fairly slow. These calm, quiet moments, however, are often punctuated with over the top sequences of graphic murder and/or cannibalism, because Anthropophagus is still plenty gross when it wants to be. It’s not at all surprising that this film pissed off the British so much, while it doesn’t match other cannibal nasties, such as Cannibal Holocaust or Cannibal Ferox, it does boast a few of the most memorable moments in the entire Video Nasty cycle. (OFFENSIVE CONTENT WARNING! Are you sensitive? Skip the rest of this paragraph. We’ll both be happier.) One particularly notorious gag has the killer forcibly removing the fetus from a dead pregnant woman, and then eating it in front of the father. Another features a defeated Anthropophagus eating its own intestines as one last defiant gesture of disdain for humanity, before finally collapsing, dead as dubstep. This is strong shit to be sure. images

Overall, this has been one of my favorite Video Nasties from a very early point. If you’re exploring this collection of cinematic malcontents, don’t skip this one. It’s almost certainly among D’Amato’s best efforts, and for all its clunkiness, absolutely worth a watch.

NOTE: I’m not the only dude who loved this movie, Anthropophagus also got an unofficial remake some years back, in the form of Anthropophagous 2000, a shot on video splatter flick helmed by none other than Andreas Schnaas, the German turd merchant responsible for such brutal shitshows as Nikos the Impaler and the Violent Shit trilogy. Knowing anything about Schnass or his work should clue you in immediately to just what sort of a film Anthropophagous 2000 is, but if you need me to fill you in a little, I’m happy to do so: It’s production values are infinitely more meager than anything a ordinary human would ever want to endure, the onscreen violence is cranked up as hard as it could possibly be cranked, and the end result isn’t very pleasant. BUT…. Those sorts of films have an audience, and if that’s what you’re into, go check it out. Despite it’s unlicensed origins, it can be had legally on DVD in the United States, courtesy of Massacre Video… So… Thanks, guys.

A-

DEAD ALIVE!!!!

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Kristoph Johannes

Brain Dead/AKA Dead Alive ~ 1992, Peter Jackson, New Zealand

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Before New Line made the ballsiest gamble of the 21st century and entrusted him with directing the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, Peter Jackson, honorary Hobbit and King Kiwi of the cinematic lexicon, was a handsomely bearded, but little known director, who spent the first phase of his career crafting some of the zaniest splatter films ever made. Like, obnoxiously, unreasonably zany.

It’s worth mentioning this was not necessarily the most hospitable environment for that type of cinema, either, the 1990’s were a bleak and dismal period for horror films on the whole. The genre had enjoyed a reckless hayday in the 1980’s, but by the close of the decade, the market had become saturated, the products dated, and mainstream audiences no longer gave a shit. The once proud horror subculture retreated underground like the primitive Morlocks that they are, and America’s first tier film studios lost faith in tentpole horror franchises of yesteryear, motivating them to move away from the likes of Freddy and Jason, and onto greener pastures, like Ace Ventura 2, Battlefield Earth, and Big Momma’s House. As such, 1992 yielded precious few zombie films, but one that it did produce was Brain Dead, or, as its known in the United States, Dead Alive. Luckily, sometimes it’s quality over quantity, and Dead Alive has quality on lock down.

THE PLOT: Lionel is a meek and unremarkable man who lives with his manipulative, over-baring mother Vera, in a small coastal town somewhere in New Zealand. Lionel is a straight up momma’s boy, Vera has him 200% under her thumb, and he doesn’t appear to have the strength of character to tell her to friggin’ back off now, or ever. In fact, Lionel is so incapable of letting go of his unhealthy relationship with his mother, that when she becomes zombified in a freak primate exhibit accident at the zoo (yep), he does everything in his power to conceal her condition from the public, even going so far as to round up all of her newly zombified victims and keep them hidden away in his basement. Seems like if he had any intention of moving out of his mother’s house, her turning into a homicidal ghoul would be as good a time as any to pull the trigger. Clearly, this birdie ain’t leavin’ the nest.

…But if Lionel won’t ever man up his own, a much needed catalyst arrives in the form of Paquita, a pretty young woman who meets Lionel through coincidence, and who quickly decides that he’s the man she’s going to marry, whether he likes it or not. For a time, Lionel tries to juggle these two relationships, but eventually this becomes infeasible, and he is forced to choose between his controlling, domineering mother, who makes all of his decisions for him… and his controlling, domineering girlfriend…. who makes all of his decisions for him… So, really, this is sort of a long trip to wind up right back where you started, but at least Paquita isn’t a zombie. He for sure upgraded.

Dead Alive’s dodgy super-motif doesn’t bother us. The journey is enjoyable enough that we aren’t deterred by Lionel’s half assed character arc, and the film is silly enough that we assume this lateral development to be deliberate. And anyway, this is easily the most true to life component in the entire film, everybody knows somebody like Lionel, and that guy usually winds up with a Paquita. Most people even know a Vera!

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Sadly, few of us have religious leaders like this guy in our lives.

It’s a hell of a movie. For years, Dead Alive was said to be the goriest movie ever made- a boast that’s easy to believe if you see the unrated version of the film. It really feels like if Peter Jackson could have conceived of a way to make this movie gorier, he would have done it. The much coveted “goriest film ever” crown has been snatched up more than once over the years- last I checked, Fede Alvarez’s remake of The Evil Dead is the curent record holder, but I’ll tell you this; Dead Alive still FEELS gorier. In fact, I’ve searched and searched, and no film feels quite as bloody as this one does. No matter how many gallons of red stuff Alvarez dumped onto a sound stage, Dead Alive will trump that volume through it’s execution. Truly, if you have any interest in gore cinema, this needs to be your next stop.

Dead Alive’s 1992 vintage is indeed a rarity. Zombies were sort of in hibernation during this period, meaning that Dead Alive came out after the second wave of zombie fiction, but before the third. More than likely this helps to make the film feel fresher, it’s not really part of any trend, and it’s not really a rehash of anything else, it’s a zombie film that was made because Peter Jackson wanted to tell a zombie story. Really, it’s a rare home run from an era where not many people even cared to swing the bat. If you’re a fan of Jackson’s Hobbit and or magical elf related motion pictures, or if you fancy yourself a fan of zombies, but kinda want to see a film that isn’t a broken mess of lowest common denominator pandering and heat chasing, then do yourself a favor and get this shit on your TV pronto. It’s plenty of fun.

A+

THE FLYING GUILLOTINE!

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Kristoph Johannes

The Flying Guillotine ~ 1975, Meng Hua Ho

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Rare is it that a damn prop is able to steal the show like the Flying Guillotine did. It’s basically just a damn murder Frisbee, and it kicked ass so hard that after this movie came out, several additional films had to be produced, for the sole purpose of delivering Flying Guillotine related content into the eager eyes of human beings world wide. This thing is awesome, and you need to know about it.

But just what in the hell is a Flying Guillotine?

I’m glad you asked! Essentially, a flying guillotine is a ranged weapon used to decapitate people from a distance… You know, for the busy decapitator who’s always on the go. Essentially disc shaped, the user throws the Flying Guillotine at his/her target, and attempts to land it perfectly on their head; which is then sliced off using a simple net and blade system. So, it’s kinda like ring toss, only… you know… It decapitates the shit out of people. As an added bonus, the flying guillotine is outfitted with a length of chain, which allows the user to retrieve the weapon, head still in tow, in case they want to keep it for a souvenior or whatever. The outside rim of the weapon is lined in sharp, buzz saw type blades, which allow it to crash through walls, or saw through basically whatever stands between the user, and the righteous decapitation of whoever they toss the damn thing at. Have a look:

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Basically, it’s the most terrifying weapon in the world, there’s no defense against it, and if somebody throws it at you, your head is coming off for sure. The Flying Guillotine is nothing to scoff at, and if two flying guillotines impact one another while in flight, they freakin’ explode. Needless to say, putting this thing in your movie is basically a license to print money, and literally every film ever SHOULD have had a Flying Guillotine in it. Seriously, think about how rad 50 First Dates would have been if Sandler threw one of these things at somebody just ONCE. Also, how does Frisbee-golf work? I think this might be exactly like Decapitation Frisbee golf, also.

So, according to historical record, these things actually existed, although I kinda feel like I need to call B.S. on that one, historians. Anyway, regardless of how many ACTUAL, Chinese people had their heads Frolfed off in real life, I can tell you how many suffer that awesome fate in The Flying Guilotine: Way more than enough for this movie to be super entertaining.

THE PLOT~ When some corrupt ass Chinese emperor dude decides that he needs to be even shadier than he already is, he tasks his court of royal go-geters with the job of designing a newer, sneakier means of killing people without fear of reprisal. It just so happens that one of his more abstract thinking tinkerers comes up with an idea more or less immediately, and he crafts the world’s very first Flying Guillotine, a device which murders people so, so hard, and which is awesome. At first, the Emperor is enraged. “What if this device were turned against me?!” He thinks, but after he calms down a little bit, The Flying Guillotine really starts to grow on him. The decision is then made to round up the Kingdom’s best royal guards and develop a team of Flying Guillotine wielding super assassins, which is exactly what happens. At first, everything seems just dandy, until our troops start to realize that the Emperor is spying on them, and they no longer have any freedom whatsoever. The slightest sign of disloyalty puts you at the business end of a flying guillotine, and your only purpose in life is to basically murder anyone the Emperor wants you to, which often sucks. Ma Teng, our star pupil, isn’t really in love with this idea, so he soon goes awol, which leads to a massive confrontation between him and his former comrades. In the end, China is littered with severed heads, and rivers of thick, bright red, fake looking blood. I love this movie.

At it’s heart, The Flying Guillotine is more or less a cold war allegory, which seems a little weird. The Flying Guillotine itself is basically depicted as being unreasonable power in the hands of a corrupt government, so it becomes a stand in for the bomb; it’s a power no one should have, that will inevitably wind up in the hands of the person least worthy. Furthermore, the controlling, ever invasive environment our central characters find themselves in is very representative of Stalinist Russia, so The Flying Guillotine comes across as being something like a Kung Fu version of Animal Farm… but with like, a thousand headless bodies flailing about. I think it’s an improvement over Orwell’s work, but that’s my opinion.

From a technical perspective, the film makes out okay, but is pretty typical of an early 1970’s Shaw Brothers film, that is to say that it’s heavy on charm, but far from state of the art. The effects throughout are mostly pretty decent, and there is some ambitious use of specialty lenses here and there, although this tends to be more distracting than impressive. It’s pretty bloody, which is would really have to be, given the subject matter, but all the blood looks like bright red acrylic paint, which is at the same time awesome, and painfully unrealistic looking. Oh well, nobody cares, they compensate nicely via decapitations.

I think my favorite scene comes late in the film, when Ma Teng knows his former brothers in arms are likely to strike against him at any time. In a stroke of brilliance, he inlists the help of some local blacksmiths to create a device designed to defend against Flying Guillotine attacks; some kind of weird, metallic umbrella thing. It’s wacky as hell, but don’t laugh too hard, because the freakin’ thing actually works! Not only does it successfully deflect a Flying Guillotine attack, it also kills Ma Teng’s would be assassin in the process. This is clearly a major breakthrough in anti-decapitation technology, but unfortunately, the device wasn’t fully finished when Ma Teng was forced to use it, so it ends up only being good for one use.

Another great scene comes right at the film’s climax, which takes place in an awesome rocky outcropping/waterfall type location, and features a showdown between Ma Teng and a few of his former team mates. It’s a truly fantastic conclusion to the film, and it’s shot really nicely, as well. Like England’s Hammer Studios, The Shaw Brothers were renowned for their use of highly detailed and elaborate sets, and I do love them for this, but taking the camera and actors off the studio soundstages and into a natural environment for the film’s finale makes a huge difference, and really manages to give this last scene an impressive impact. This really takes it to eleven for The Flying Guillotine, but honestly, it’s kinda hard to go wrong when 9/10’s of your cast has no head by the end of the picture. This one was in the bag from day one. I ain’t even mad.

The Flying Guillotine turns up in several more movies, and I highly doubt that we’ve seen the last of it. If you’re new to the world of elaborate, long range decapitations, then I would recommend this movie as a good introduction to the wide, wild world of the o’ T.F.G. One way or the other, this is a solid and enjoyable film, and I recommend it.

NINJA BUSTERS!!!

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Kristoph Johannes

Ninja Busters~ 1984, Paul Kyriazi, USA

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Upon first glance, Ninja Busters pretty much just looks like hollow attempt to cash in on the Miami Connection craze, by offering a similar lost film from the same era to the irony-crazed, Alamo Drafthouse flunkies of 2015, but the shocking truth is that Ninja Busters doesn’t actually have a whole hell of a lot in common with the synth-metal tinged, tai kwon do brawl fest that was Miami Connection. Ninja Busters is, in fact, a comedy! And it’s a good one, too!

And don’t get me wrong, I thought Miami Connection was hilarious, but that comedy was entirely accidental. The humor in Ninja Busters is intentional, and its off-putting just how successful this movie is at doing what it actually wants to do. We don’t see that a lot in the deep recesses of Psychotronic film! This is a highly entertaining, surprisingly charming little movie that kept catching me off guard by how hard it DIDN’T suck ass. Ninja Busters actually goes the distance.

THE PLOT~ Chic and Bernie are two bumbling, loveable con men who profess to be masters of the martial arts, but who actually get their ass kicked on the regular, and mostly just want to chase girls. Through happenstance, they enroll in some weird, California dojo (because they want to meet girls), and are slowly accepted by their peers over the course of three years. For a while, it’s all good for our boys, until they manage to piss off a local gangster, who sends his army of deadly ninja to take Chic and Bernie out. This movie is absolutely, 100%, a goofball comedy, but you might be surprised how fast things get fucking awesome in the third act.

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So, what’s the deal here?

If we’re being fair, despite the fact that Ninja Busters has thus far failed to make waves quite the way that Miami Connection did when it was rediscovered, this is, in nearly every way possible, a much, much better film. I think it’s natural to compare the two, given the circumstances, but the superiority of Ninja Busters is pretty clear if you make an objective comparison. As fun as it is now, it makes sense that Miami Connection was panned upon its release, that’s a film which draws its considerable power from irony and irony alone, precisely because its actually just a shitty ninja film from the 1980’s. Ninja Busters, however, had even less of an opportunity to shine back in it’s day, and in truth, is was so much more deserving; if this flick had been available on VHS at my corner shop growing up, I would have happily watched it until the cassette fell apart. There’s something special about this movie, deep in its bones it’s just so wholesome and good natured, and I’d say the experience feels more akin to a wacky, upbeat comedy of the 1960’s than the glossy ass pop cinema that had become so much more common in 1984.

Our two leads, Bernie and Chic, have pretty strong chemistry together, as well, though they aren’t the best actors. Actually, much of the acting in Ninja Busters is predictably subpar, but it’s never enough to damage the film’s likability, which is considerable. Sid Campbell (who plays Chic, and who also co-wrote the picture along with William C. Martell) really carries the film, and its too bad we don’t see more of him in other movies. He’s kinda like what you’d have if Ernest P. Worrell had possessed at least a passable knowledge of the martial arts… And yes, that’s exactly as incredible as it sounds. Clearly, this is what my life has been missing all these years.

In a lot of ways, Ninja Busters feels less ambitious than Miami Connection, but that’s okay. The production is adequate, and it’s nice that the movie doesn’t overextend its reach and fall flat on its face like so many other movies from that decade did. Many of the sequences are legitimately funny, the dialogue is actually pretty good, and its remarkably easy to invest in the outcome of the story based on how likable our characters are. Really, likability is this film’s most precious resource, it really comes across that this movie was made with the best intentions; here is a movie that just wants you to laugh and have a good time, and unless you’re Oscar the damn Grouch, that’s probably exactly what you’ll do if you give Ninja Busters an hour and a half of your day.

It’s a shame that Campbell didn’t live to see this film finally be embraced by an audience the way it has since it’s recent rediscovery. Ninja Busters is a remarkable effort that deserved a lot better than it got, and in a world full of 80’s cinema that is celebrated ironically, it’s wonderful to find a film that can be enjoyed because of how good it is. It would be overkill to call Ninja Busters a masterpiece, but I can rest easily saying that I love this film, and I give it a strong recommendation.

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RAMBO!!!!!!!

Posted on December 3, 2015 by Kristoph Johannes

Rambo ~ 2008, Sylvester Stallone, USA

Never before in all my days have I been as excited for a movie as I was after seeing the red-band trailer for Rambo. If a trailer is meant to generate interest and excitement, then this was, for me, probably the most effective any trailer has ever been. If I had to pick the second most effective, it’d probably be Massacre Mafia Style, but that’s a distant second place. Honest to goodness, folks, the low rez, red-band trailer for Rambo that I downloaded from whatever news site I found it on had me hyped up and chomping at the bit to see a roid-ravaged, 61 year old Sylvester Stallone mutilate wave after wave of hopeless Burmese militia men in a way that I had never before experienced. I was super into it.

So, what was it that got me so pumped? Well, the trailer was incredibly violent. Off to a good start. Secondly, it looked like a damn horror movie, only John Rambo was the monster. When it finally came out, I made it out to the theater on opening day, and lo and behold, this film 100% delivered. Rambo is a war movie that has more in common with Friday the 13th Part 2 than it does The Deer Hunter. I’m a big fan.

THE PLOT~ Having killed more humans than you’ve probably ever even met in his long, battle-hardened lifespan, John Rambo, one man army, has now retired, and has taken up residence to the balmy jungles of Asia, where he lives a life of seclusion working as a ferry boat operator. Having left the both the battlefield and the big city far behind him, Rambo now lives a peaceful life, with nothing but the roar of the surging river, the slither of poisonous snakes, and the endless screams of his countless victims ringing through his ears eternity, to keep him company.

rambo Rambo attempts to murder water.

Until, that is, some naïve, do-gooder, Christian missionaries turn up and twist his arm for a boat ride up river. These bozos want to go into Burma, currently “a warzone”, to provide aid to the horribly oppressed natives in the region. Psh! What a bunch of dummies! Who are they to suggest to Rambo that compassion has any place in this world? For him, compassion is leaving your body intact enough that it can be identified as human! But, just as we knew he would, Rambo soon agrees to take them, and that’s the end of that chapter… At least, for a few weeks. Turns out that Rambo’s missionary friends wound up in some hot water, and now our man finds his doorway darkened by a band of mercenaries who have been hired to retrieve the would-be Christian soldiers from the jungles of Burma. Rambo figures “what the hell?”, and decides to tag along as well. What follows is a blood spattered jungle rampage that leaves 99% of slasher films looking like something Kindergarten classrooms would play during nap time.

hqdefault This is how Rambo shows affection.

Firstly, damn, Stallone is freaking enormous. Go rewatch First Blood, he’s super ripped in that one, but compared to 2008 Stallone, the John Rambo of 1982 is straight up scrawny. Seriously, when did Stallone’s iconic dead eyes and big, rubbery trout lips become afxied to this lumbering juggernaut!? And he’s freaking 61 years old! He looks like a monster that ate the real Stallone and absorbed his powers. His voice is even scarier than it used to be, also, Sly’s always rested deep down in the nearly incomprehensible baritone burble we all remember from such classics as Rocky, Tango and Cash, or Cliffhanger, but in Rambo his voice is an even bassier, garbled croak than it has ever been before. Now it sounds like a bass guitar made out of rubber took the P90X challenge and decided it wants to kill you. Toss a hockey mask on this hombre and people would say “geez, Jason Voorhees needs a haircut.”

2008_john_rambo_008 Just another day at the office.

Something about Rambo that is interesting, the film manages to both glorify, and demonize violence simultaneously, by presenting a clear “line in the sand” between the justified, and unjustifiable. When the baddies massacre our poor vilagers, Stallone pulls no punches. We see the gruesome, brutal wages of war with stark, shocking clarity. Children are stabbed to death, people are dismembered and burned alive, and none of this meant to feel “cool,” or “fun.” These portions of the film hope to make you feel angry, or even sick to your stomach, but it’s also setting you up to both appreciate, and condone Rambo turning the tables on the bad guys later. It is at that point that the violence is meant to feel satisfying and awesome, which, it really, really is. This attitude is likely an extension of Stallone’s Conservative mindset, and it’s not something that you get a lot of in major studio motion pictures in this day and age. It also explains why the film feels so much like a late 80’s teen pop slasher film; Rambo basically frames Stallone’s character in the same light that the later Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street films did with their respective monsters, these are the guys we go to when we want to root for the person committing violent atrocities. As crazy as it sounds, with very minimal rewrites, this movie could have been made into a Friday the 13th film where the government captures Jason and drops him into Burma. And actually, let’s find a way to get THAT movie made.

From a technical perspective, Rambo is both impressive, and embarrassing. Stallone has managed to step into the sleek, digital aesthetic of today’s genre film with surprising ease, and for the most part, the movie is very well done. We only run into trouble when the film tries to use digital effects, which it does in great abundance, and at that point Rambo suffers from the all too common “excellent practical effects in tandem with utterly unforgivable digital fumbles” pitfall. Probably the worst example of the digital dogshit heaped into the picture comes from the film’s single most crucial kill, when our hero slices open the belly of the film’s main bad guy at the end of the movie. We get a shot of his intestines spilling out as Rambo kicks his corpse down a hill, but the all gore is added in digitally in post, and it looks awful. It’s on par with the friggin’ Playstation, and when I say that, I mean the original Playstation, from 1994. This is supposed to be the film’s ultimate pay off, and honestly, it’s so bad it shouldn’t even have made it into the final cut.

600px-Rambo08MiniMachete-3 Get it?! Final CUT?!! Harharhar (many, many people die in this movie.)

But really, who cares? Rambo is damn near perfect. If they had stuck to all practical effects and cut out the shameful digital clownsmanship that bogs the picture down, then what we’d have here would be the best possible Rambo movie 2008 could produce. As it is, it’s the second greatest Rambo movie ever, leaving Parts 2 and 3 in the dust. It’s also a must for fans of action cinema, and for gore aficionados as well. I own this shit on DVD and Blu-Ray, and when they come out with the next stupid home video format (assuming we don’t all just jump to streaming, knock on wood), I’ll be rebuying it immediately. I feel a lot better knowing I have immediate access to the picture at literally anytime.

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A+

THE BIG BOSS!!!!!

Posted on October 22, 2015 by Kristoph Johannes

The Big Boss ~ 1971, Wei Lo and Chia-Hsiang Wu, Hong Kong

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The first thing you need to know about The Big Boss is that it’s basically The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, but with Kung Fu. Yeah, fucking awesome.

THE PLOT~ Somewhere in China, where Bruce Lee is presumably born and raised, on the playground is where he spends most of his days, chillin’ out, maxin’, realaxin’ all cool, and all practicing to get really good at Kung Fu, when a couple of guys (who were up to no good,) Begin to make trouble in his neighborhood. He gets in one little fight and his mom get’s scared, and says “You’re moving with your uncle to a more rural region of China!”

cn_image_size__s-will-smith-fresh-prince-of-bel-air What’s the difference?!

Rather than shacking up with a Chinese Uncle Phil, Bruce is taken to his new home, a run down flop house full of dudes, all of whom are Bruce’s new pals, and who could be seen as Chinese versions of Jazzy Jeff, Carlton, and whatever their Butler’s name was. Bruce’s new buddies get him a job working at some sort of ice factory, and guess what? The dude who owns it also is a big drug trafficker. This is where the film takes it’s one and only departure from the saga of the Fresh Prince, rather than stay out of trouble, Bruce ends up locked in a brutal kung fu death match with a series of thugs, which culminates with a show down with the Big Boss himself. But other than that it’s straight up Fresh Prince, they just traded the martial arts for sick rhymes.

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The Big Boss is not Bruce’s best film, but dammit, it’s a Bruce Lee film. That carries weight, son! It’s highly entertaining, and although Bruce isn’t quite at his peak at this point, there are plenty of little moments nestled throughout the picture that illustrate just why this guy was so special. Naturally, the fighting is first rate, but for me, the stuff I appreciate the most is when Bruce ISN’T shrieking like a puma and kicking people in the throat. His personality shines through in every minute detail of his performance, and this is a man who was inarguably born for motion pictures. These movies aren’t very elaborate when you stick them under the microscope, but they’re rewarding in a way that is hard to pinpoint, and it almost has to be Lee that makes that happen.

bigboss1 Plus, check out the dude in the maroon shirt- it’s Lam Ching-Ying!

So, The Big Boss is a classic on the strength of Lee’s performance, where it may have been a rather forgettable affair without him. We, as a species, owe this man a lot. He did a lot more for humanity than prove that pixie cuts and high-waisted pants are actually super bad ass. The Big Boss may not be his best movie, but it’s still a great contribution to pop culture from a man who had a tragically short resumé, but who still managed to make an enormous impact.

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SUSPIRIA!!!!

Posted on October 1, 2015 by Kristoph Johannes

Suspiria– 1977, Dario Argento, Italy

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There was a period of time spanning from 1960-something all the way up into the 1980’s when Italy and Spain were cranking out THE greatest movies on the planet, bar none. Italy especially was on a hot streak at that time, and the United States wasn’t even in third place. This was a true golden age for Euro-horror, and that twenty year window gave us near innumerable gruesome classics, many of which remain largely unappreciated by the American mainstream (get on it, guys). Among the bumper crop of European made creep ass masterpieces I am speaking of, Dario Argento’s Suspiria stands out as being among the very best. Routinely singled out as one of the greatest horror films of all time, and lovingly revered by horror enthusiasts and cinema snobs alike, Suspiria is very likely Argento’s single greatest work. This movie rules, bro.

THE PLOT~ A young American woman travels to Germany where she has enrolled in a prestigious school of dance, only to immediately face mysterious and frightening goings on constantly from the moment she steps off the plane. After doing the absolute minimum amount of independent investigation required to learn absolutely anything, she discovers that her new school/home was actually founded by a coven of malicious witches, and for some reason, she doesn’t haul ass back to America immediately. It stands to reason that she therefore deserves what she has coming to her. Things get freaky.

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What the hell is that thing?

So, clearly, the plot isn’t anything to write home about, but the execution is phenomenal. Suspiria is wild and engrossing, it’s dreamy and unnerving, and, if viewed under the proper circumstances (i.e. not streamed off of fucking Youtube or whatever) Suspiria is totally and completely overwhelming. The score is a big part of what makes everything work, Suspiria’s soundtrack is a massive, atmospheric masterwork by Italian synth-rock band Goblin, themselves responsible for 99% of Italy’s soundtracks in the 70’s and 80’s. The group turns in their best work ever for this film, and the Suspiria theme song specifically is probably the single greatest piece of music the band ever recorded. That’s all well and good, but what really counts is how how Argento cuts this music to picture; and this ends up being an invaluable asset to the overall potency of the work. These songs are LOUD, eerie, uncomfortable, and constant, which is exactly what this film needs, because equal care has been paid to Suspiria’s visuals. This movie displays the most obsessively precise and deliberate visual experience ever seen in an Italian horror film, ever. Suspiria’s brilliant, but rigidly structure visuals are more in league with what you see in Wes Anderson’s catalog than anything else.

suspiria04 See? It’s just like The Grand Budapest Hotel… Except it was built by Satan worshipping Germans!

Suspiria-10 Hey, Dario, where’s Jason Schwartzman? Harharhar…

Suspiria-051 Harhar, hey, Dario! Who does Bill Murray play in this one- Oh… Oh hell….

Suspiria is certainly not the goriest film to have come out of the Euro-Horror wave of the 1970’s, not by a long shot, but it does have it’s share of blood and guts. It’s also fairly spooky from time to time. The tagline spoken toward the end of the trailer states that “The only thing more terrifying than the last twelve minutes of Suspiria… are the first 92…” I always hated that. So, what, it’s less scary at the end? Wouldn’t that really be about the last thing a horror movie should aim for? Well, don’t worry, the end of this film is by far the scariest part, but that shouldn’t matter much, since humanity has been so freaking desensitized by now anyway. This thing does pack a punch, but it’s a 1977 punch, so you might not even notice.

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Jazz hands!

Really, if I was going to try and anticipate what sort of complaints you may hear from a first time Suspiria watcher, I would imagine that all or most of these criticisms would be directly attributed to the fact that this film is Italian, and was made in the 1970’s. Italian films from the 1970’s have some traits that today’s more mainstream movie goer may not find that appetizing. Sometimes, the pacing can feel slow, due to our rapidly deteriorating attention spans, and this can make these films seem boring to the X-Box addled Millennial. Additionally, like nearly every single European film from this era, there was no on set sound recordist for Suspiria, and so all of the audio, dialogue included, was recorded in post. Often, the voice actors, especially for English dubs, don’t do the original actors any favors, and to some people, this can make it hard to take a movie seriously. This is a true pity, because it was a nearly universal practice across Europe in that day and age, and if you can’t get over that, you’re going to miss out on a huge library of rad movies.

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There are a lot of Americans who truly love horror films, but who have had minimal exposure to the European classics of yesteryear. If that describes you, and you’re open, my recommendation isn’t just that you watch Suspiria, but also that you watch Suspiria under the proper conditions. This is a movie that was made before home video and online streaming was a game-changing fact of life. This movie was designed to be experienced big, loud, and in the dark. While it’s probably not possible for you to catch a showing of this at your nearby Regal Cinemas, at the very least, turn off your lights, turn the volume up, and pay attention. Suspiria deserves that courtesy, and in the end, the experience will be rewarding.

A+

YOKAI MONSTERS: ALONG WITH GHOSTS!

Posted on August 20, 2015 by Kristoph Johannes

Yokai Monsters: Along With Ghosts (AKA Journey With Ghost Along Yokaido Road) ~ 1969, Yoshiyuki Kuroda, Kimiyoshi Yasuda, Japan

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The third entry in Daiei’s fantastically groovy Yokai trilogy rests on the far end of the spectrum from Spook Warfare; this time around we are given practically no insight into the yokai as individual personalities at all, and our narrative remains grounded solidly in the human realm, with our monsters popping in far less frequently than in the previous two films. Oddly enough, that means that we have the best story and the most engrossing characters of the entire trilogy, yet somehow, the movie still hits the finish line dead last insofar as entertainment value is concerned, because, really, Yokai is all about monsters per capita. Seems hardly fair, but thems the breaks, baby.

THE PLOT~ When some shady, gangster samurai intercept the delivery of some incriminating evidence, murder style, they also manage to inadvertently choose sacred ground as their primo ambush spot, thereby agitating the local yokai. The hoary old shrine keeper pleads with them to take the bloodshed elsewhere, but, predictably, he is ignored/murdered. Everything looks good for our samurai douchebags, until, that is, the yokai intervene, and place the evidence in the hands of the shrine keepers adorable grand-daughter. With Granddad dead and gangsters on her tail, our little heroine departs on a life and death quest to reach a nearby town where her deadbeat dad has been hiding out since her friggin’ birth, all the while deftly evading her murderous pursuers. But she is not alone; early in her quest, she meets a kindly young samurai who takes it upon himself to defend her, but of course , that’s easier said than done. Before the shows over, we have a few remarkably spooky altercations with the titular Yokai, as they deliver their traditional apparition-administered vigilante justice all up in the bad guy’s grills. It’s freaking rad, is what I’m saying.

Like all the Yokai films (100 Ghosts especially,) as well as Daiei’s also rad Daimajin, Along With Ghosts is, in fact, a samurai film with a strong paranormal element, but in this particular entry, the dial is cranked much further in the samurai direction than ever before. The spooky bits spice up the picture significantly, but they’re almost an afterthought, with minimal rewrites the movie could be told as a straight samurai flick without any ghost business at all. It also does a lot less filming on sound stages, instead many of our exterior shots have been moved to actual villages, open, sweeping fields, and other natural landscapes. There’s lot more moving camera now, due to our newfound wide-open space, and the end result is a more visually dynamic film. Additionally, the ghosts are no longer the least bit wacky, we don’t see a trace of our jive talkin’ Kappa or goofy Umbrella Ghost, and their replacements are pretty friggin’ terrifying. These hideous spooks are designed and implemented for horror, and horror alone. I do think the film could have benefitted from more time with them, but they’re sure effective as fuck when the picture does roll them out.

As I said before, despite the fact that from an academic perspective this film is actually much better than it’s predecessors, it’s still the least likable entry in the Yokai series, because the strength of these films lie almost exclusively in it’s many diverse monsters. In the case of Yokai, sacrificing a well executed narrative for a couple more ghosts is actually the way to go, as counter-intuitive as that may look on paper. Still, it’s no crisis, being the worst entry in the yokai trilogy remains nothing to sneeze at. All of these movies are rock solid. Along With Ghosts just happens to be the weakest in the bunch.

Or, at least, it was… Until 2005…

A-

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by Christopher Ochs

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