{"id":3046,"date":"2015-01-29T15:19:39","date_gmt":"2015-01-29T15:19:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/?p=3046"},"modified":"2015-01-29T15:19:39","modified_gmt":"2015-01-29T15:19:39","slug":"prayer-of-the-rollerboys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/?p=3046","title":{"rendered":"Prayer of the Rollerboys!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Prayer of the Rollerboys<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong>– 1990, Rick King<\/p>\n

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The website IMDB.com credits Canadian born Corey Haim as having 48 known\u00a0roles as an actor, and as having enjoyed a career which spanned more than two decades in both television, and film. For much of his youth, Haim was a big name, who grabbed tabloid headlines effortlessly and routinely scored leading roles in popular movies. If one were to collectively gather the sum total of his work\u00a0and cut it all together into one massive montage, you would have days and days worth of footage, and there would be, throughout his acting career, in totality, fewer than three\u00a0minutes total where Corey Haim\u2019s mouth wasn\u2019t sagging open like a damn trout. That was his look. \u201cThe Mouthbreather.\u201d People seemed to be okay with it. Behold.<\/p>\n

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“An open mouth is an open mind.” – Confusedcius<\/strong><\/p>\n

Coming in toward the \u201chas-been\u201d era of Haim\u2019s acting career we have Prayer For The Rollerboys<\/em><\/strong>, surprisingly, it\u2019s one of the more solid films featuring this young Proto-Bieber. While it\u2019s not a great movie, it\u2019s also not a terrible one, which is shocking to say the least, given that it’s about Corey Haim on Rollerblades. I was actually super disappointed, this movie ISN\u2019T utter shit. What am I supposed to do now?!<\/p>\n

THE PLOT~<\/strong> Griffin and his little brother Miltie are orphans a\u00a0hostile and economically devastated America of the Not-Too-Distant-Future. Here,\u00a0basic human rights are jeopardized constantly, all businesses and institutions have relocated to foreign soil, and \u00a0poverty is universal, save for an extravagantly wealthy few. It\u2019s an America where the previous generations have governed things so poorly that any hope for prosperity or opportunity have been completely stamped out, and where the basic freedoms guaranteed you in the constitution of the United States of America are no longer protected. So, basically, it\u2019s right now; this movie is an incredibly accurate prediction of the year 2015. It\u2019s fucking creepy.<\/p>\n

The only real difference between the world you see when you look out your window and the world you would see if you hit PLAY on Prayer of the Rollerboys<\/em>, is that in the movie; the presence of organized gangs openly congregating is slightly more apparent. The most powerful gang in this film are the titular Rollerboys, a wealthy and powerful\u00a0white supremacist crime syndicate who rollerskate around town wearing giant coats and who peddle a designer drug called Mist to everybody and they\u2019s momma. The Rollerboys are a major problem for what remains of the police force, and truthfully, they\u2019re poised to potentially make a power grab that would make them unstoppable\u00a0if somebody doesn\u2019t step up and do something about it very soon. Enter COREY HAIM:<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

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Through coincidence, Griffin (Haim) grew up with Gary Lee, the charismatic and brilliant leader of the Rollerboys, and Gary Lee seems to really cherish their childhood memories together. Although Griffin is in no way cool with racism, drugs, or the world according to the Roller-Fuhrer, this connection makes him\u00a0an ideal candidate for a police led operation to infiltrate this dangerous gang\u00a0and take them down, from the inside. Griffin is initially not interested, you see, he already rollerblades a lot- but when you leave your mouth hanging open constantly, like he does, rollerblading can be difficult because you swallow so many bugs. He\u2019s unsure if he can commit to rollerblading even more often, which is what it would mean for him to infiltrate the Rollerboys, but he eventually agrees. Also, Patricia Arquette is in this movie, and she dresses like a damn crazy person. I dunno, maybe you\u2019re into that.<\/p>\n

So, it\u2019s a quasi-post-apocalyptic, gang warfare\/cop film staring Corey Haim that involves a hell of a lot of roller blading. Sounds utterly insane, right? Well, yeah, for sure it does, but then you watch it, and it just isn\u2019t. So… what the hell is going on? Can we isolate why this movie isn\u2019t really shitty? Let\u2019s break it down:<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE ROLLERBLADING:<\/strong> This is yet another film which displays the commonly held, pre-1994 belief that the future would belong to people on roller skates. That, in-and-of-itself should guarantee this movie be at least 30% goofy- and I think we pretty much get the minimum rollerskate related WTFs possible out of it. They definitely rollerblade, constantly, when the bad guys get arrested they don\u2019t even take their skates off, they just roll them over into the squad-cars, inlines intact- so that\u2019s periodically pretty silly, but beyond everyone simply skating around all the time, there isn\u2019t a lot of skate related content here. They don\u2019t really do any tricks or jumps or anything, the movie opens with a brief sequence of Haim ripping it up at a skatepark, but that\u2019s really the extent of it. They also don\u2019t really harp on the skates being cool, they just kind of pass them off as a fact of life in the future, so with this,\u00a0we see many, many missed opportunities for this film to have pissed me off. As a matter of fact, it actually wouldn\u2019t be difficult\u00a0to forget that you\u2019re watching a movie where two thirds of the cast have wheels fastened to their feet at all times, and that’s completely insane. Given that I expected Prayer of the Rollerboys<\/em> to\u00a0glorify the skates in the same fashion that BMX Bandits<\/strong><\/em><\/a> fetishizes bikes, I was a little taken aback by how not stupid the rollerblading is here.\u00a0They really left me hanging.<\/p>\n

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THE FUTURE:<\/strong> So, this is a post-apocalyptic movie, right? Well, here\u2019s how post-apocalyptic it is: It\u2019s SO post-apocalyptic, that in this movie, the pizza delivery guys all carry machine guns, in case anyone gives them\u00a0trouble\u2026 But it’s not so post-apocalyptic that we don’t have pizza delivery guys. They even have to wear lame little uniforms, like the people who work at Pizza Hut or something, so how post-apocalyptic can it possibly be if you can still pay for a human to drive a pizza to your door anytime you want?! Not post-apocalyptic at all, that’s how. I would imagine that restaurant-to-home pizza delivery would be one of the first services we would lose in the event of an apocalypse.<\/p>\n

Actually, I\u2019m only a little bit kidding when I say that the future depicted in this movie feels eerily in line with what we\u2019ve seen happening in the United States just recently; I would say that this depiction of the future isn\u2019t so much imaginative as it is speculative. Which is unbelievable. Fact:<\/strong> The wackiest thing about this movie is the juxtaposition of far fetched ideas, like rollerblading, teenaged gangsters, with markedly more reserved economic speculation and sociological predictions. It\u2019s the weirdest bait and switch ever, it\u2019s like someone sold us something with the promise that it was going to be just terrible, and then when we got it home we found out it actually didn\u2019t suck. Are you kidding me? This movie is completely fine! Thanks for nothing!<\/p>\n

THE QUALITY:<\/strong> Nobody even did a bad job! The dumbest things in this movie are Patricia Arquette\u2019s wardrobe and Corey Haim\u2019s face, but the technical crafstamnship is perfectly adequate! They didn\u2019t even fall prey to old stand-bye pitfalls, like shitty soundtracks, or flavor of the month stylistic gimicks. I am horrified how well Prayer Of The Rollerboys<\/em> holds up; in fact, due to the shift in economic realities we are now experiencing, this movie might be even BETTER now than when it came out. Damn\u00a0it! Skunked again!<\/p>\n

THE COREY:<\/strong> Let\u2019s get one thing straight; I hate Corey Haim<\/strong>. I always have. I don’t even care that I’m mocking a dead man, I hate both the Coreys, and that has been my official stance on them since day one. Haim especially is heinous, because at least Feldman was Tommy Jarvis<\/strong><\/a>, Donatello<\/strong><\/a> and Mouth<\/a><\/strong>. When I popped this movie into my VCR, this kid\u00a0was skating his dumb, open maw right into my\u00a0trap, and it was my every intention to come down on him and his dumb ass rollerblade movie with the furious might of Thor\u2026 And yet\u2026 Dammit, he did a good job. This movie isn\u2019t very shitty at all, but the problems that it does have cannot fairly be blamed on Haim. His performance is strong, even if his role is flimsy, and he’s barely even annoying. I don\u2019t know what the hell happened, I really thought this one was in the bag, but apparently I\u2019m living in topsy-turvy land, where up is down, left is right, and Corey Haim isn\u2019t a bumbling jackass. I hate it.<\/p>\n

Now; I\u2019m not raving about this movie. It\u2019s not a classic, it\u2019s not a masterpiece, and it\u2019s not a homerun\u2026. But it is, no question, light-years less shitty than I ever dreamed it would be. Prayer of the Rollerboys<\/em> is like a cunning conspiracy theory, you dismiss it outright, but the more you pay attention, the more it starts to make sense in your head. Whatever, Rollerboys<\/em>. Just leave me alone.<\/p>\n

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C+<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Prayer of the Rollerboys\u00a0– 1990, Rick King The website IMDB.com credits Canadian born Corey Haim as having 48 known\u00a0roles as an actor, and as having enjoyed a career which spanned more than two decades in both television, and film. For much of his youth, Haim was a big name, who grabbed tabloid headlines effortlessly and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[393],"tags":[676,672,149,670,671,660,664,661,674,663,662,665,669,675,659,668,677,667,666,673,678,630],"class_list":["post-3046","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-movie-reviews","tag-676","tag-bmx-bandits","tag-c","tag-corey-feldman","tag-corey-feldman-also-sucks","tag-corey-haim","tag-corey-haim-never-shuts-his-mouth","tag-corey-haim-sucks-so-hard","tag-friday-the-13th-the-final-chapter","tag-fuck-you-corey-haim","tag-i-hate-corey-haim","tag-mouth-breathers","tag-patricia-arquette","tag-post-apocalyptic-pizza-delivery","tag-prayer-of-the-rollerboys","tag-proto-bieber","tag-rick-king","tag-rollerblades","tag-sagging-open-mouthed-dumb-ass-on-rollerblades","tag-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles","tag-the-error-of-our-ways","tag-the-goonies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3046","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3046"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3046\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3102,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3046\/revisions\/3102"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3046"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3046"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3046"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}