{"id":3705,"date":"2015-03-12T17:06:43","date_gmt":"2015-03-12T17:06:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/?p=3705"},"modified":"2015-03-12T17:06:44","modified_gmt":"2015-03-12T17:06:44","slug":"attack-of-the-beast-creatures","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/?p=3705","title":{"rendered":"Attack of the Beast Creatures!!!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/strong><\/a> ~ 1985, Michael Stanley<\/p>\n

\"25qg12h\"<\/p>\n

Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/strong><\/em> is:<\/p>\n

A)<\/strong> Not very much fun to re-watch
\nB)<\/strong> Not very much fun to write about
\nAnd
\nC)<\/strong> Notorious.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a bad combo, from my perspective, but I\u2019m gonna try and power through this one\u00a0anyway, since\u00a0I\u2019m essentially obligated to by the Film Nerd\u2019s Code<\/strong>. Which is all secret, so don\u2019t ask about it.<\/p>\n

The truth of the matter is that not a hell of a lot happens in this movie. It’s ridiculous, and I guess sorta fun to watch, but Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/em> is also nothing more than\u00a0a straight forward, A-to-B monster flick with essentially no subtext to analyze whatsoever. The plot concerns a life-boat full of well-to-do Americans who wind up shipwrecked on a mysterious Island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Upon reaching these grim and foreboding shores, there is immediately dischord\u00a0amongst the castaways, most of which is generated by a single grumpy old bitch named Mr. Morgan.<\/strong>\u00a0Morgan later becomes the group’s resident liability when he suffers a debilitating leg injury, and is also a total sack of assholes.<\/p>\n

Shaken by their time at sea but still hoping to be rescued, the group establishes a sort of base-camp on the beach and splits up to look for\u00a0food, shelter, and water.\u00a0One of our thirsty explorers heads off into the forest on just such a mission and quickly\u00a0stumbles upon what looks to be a standing body of fresh water, which is good, since, you know, humans drink water and stuff. BOOM, guess what, doofus, that ain’t water, it’s flesh melting acid that looks exactly like water! Now you’re melting to death! Yeah, apparently Beast Creatures Island\u00a0has little acid lagoons and ponds all over it, so locating drinkable water that doesn’t go all Hennesy Viper on you when you drink it\u00a0is instantly bumped up to priority one. At least, until the damn Beast Creatures show up.<\/p>\n

\"bc\"<\/p>\n

The\u00a0Beast Creatures are, no surprise, the film’s real claim to fame- these little guys are famous for being some of the most feebly attempted movie monsters of the entire 1980’s. They look like cannibal themed treasure trolls which were probably purchased in bulk from a dollar store, and they can barely even move. They scurry around and\u00a0gobble up people like terrestrial, humanoid pirahna, and are also\u00a0apparently intelligent enough to practice some form of idol worship, but their most noteworthy contribution to the human experience is just\u00a0that they looks fucking ridiculous.\u00a0Without question, seeing a large group of adults clutching these toy figurines to their bodies and pretending that they’re being eaten alive is nothing short of hilarious, and\u00a0realistically that’s the highlight of the movie. Thank you, Beast Creatures, the ways in which you have chosen to suck has brought much laughter and mirth to a world burdened with harsh, cruel realities, and we appreciate the much needed distraction you have provided.<\/p>\n

\"CEb-U4CGkKGrHqEOKnEzw9fVWQBNR3WVG5Zw0_3\"What’s actually more\u00a0shocking about Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/em> is the various ways in which this\u00a0movie doesn’t<\/strong> suck. The script is short on subtext, yes, but certainly much more coherent\u00a0than what you might see in comparable, more respected films (like Pieces<\/strong><\/em><\/a>, or anything by Jess Franco<\/strong>, for instance),\u00a0and a lot of the dialogue is well written and surprisingly naturalistic. Even some of the acting and photography is decent or better, so Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/em> kinda feels like a full length version of a first-term film-school assignment, where the over-achievers are randomly grouped together with future drop outs to create a project, with radically\u00a0unbalanced results. Some people here did a good job…. Others certainly didn’t. The end result is a strange beast indeed.<\/p>\n

The music is an oddity too, it sucks for reals, yet contributes to the film’s atmosphere\u00a0in a way that is more successful than almost any other single factor in play. It sort of sounds like the Magnum Opus of some dude who auditioned for\u00a0Gary Numan’s backing band\u00a0but couldn’t make the cut. It’s almost good, what we have here is a lush, haunting synth oddyssey that runs more or less the entire length of the picture, and feels appropriate for the spooky, erie vibe the movie is going for. I think it works, it almost feels like an ultra\u00a0dumbed-down version of the score for\u00a0Werner Herzog’s Aguirre: der Zorn Gottes<\/a>, <\/strong><\/em>which is, admittedly, a really bizarre comparion to make, but here we are. I\u00a0kinda want it on my iPod, and it feels like what Nicolas Winding Refn was probably jamming to in ’85.\"tumblr_m1w49dG27w1qi7zhio1_500\"<\/p>\n

This movie\u00a0has a reputation which is\u00a0too deeply ingrained and widely dispersed to be in anyway effected by what I say here, and if you were ever going to watch\u00a0this\u00a0film, your opinion wasn’t going to be influenced by my\u00a0review one way or the other. You know the drill, this movie took a running jump at “scary” and landed in “hilarious,” but it’s plenty fun all the same if you’re into that kind of thing. Worth watching if you and your friends dig\u00a0the DIY MST3K experience<\/strong>, but if you’re a more centered cinema enthusiast, Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/em>\u00a0would probably just fuck up your night.<\/p>\n

RECOMENDED DOUBLE FEATURE:<\/strong> Attack of the Beast Creatures<\/strong><\/em> and Pi\u00f1ata Survival Island<\/strong><\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n

B-<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Attack of the Beast Creatures ~ 1985, Michael Stanley Attack of the Beast Creatures is: A) Not very much fun to re-watch B) Not very much fun to write about And C) Notorious. That\u2019s a bad combo, from my perspective, but I\u2019m gonna try and power through this one\u00a0anyway, since\u00a0I\u2019m essentially obligated to by the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[908,1118,1116,146,1119,1117,1115,1120,1114],"class_list":["post-3705","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-908","tag-acid-ponds","tag-attack-of-the-beast-creatures","tag-b","tag-cannibal-themed-treasure-trolls","tag-its-morgan","tag-jess-fanco","tag-michael-stanley","tag-pieces"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3705","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3705"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3705\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3796,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3705\/revisions\/3796"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3705"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3705"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3705"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}