{"id":4495,"date":"2015-10-08T14:11:44","date_gmt":"2015-10-08T14:11:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/?p=4495"},"modified":"2015-10-15T00:46:27","modified_gmt":"2015-10-15T00:46:27","slug":"no-holds-barred","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fantasticcrapcomics.com\/?p=4495","title":{"rendered":"NO HOLDS BARRED!!!!"},"content":{"rendered":"

No Holds Barred<\/strong><\/a> ~ 1989, Thomas J. Wright, USA<\/p>\n

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The world of No Holds Barred<\/strong><\/em> is the sort of universe that professional wrestling really\u00a0wants you to believe exists just\u00a0outside the ring. It’s a place where everything is simple, no one is intelligent, and wrestling is really, really important. How can we ever hope to understand No Holds Barred<\/em>? Who was this thing even\u00a0made for?\u00a0It feels\u00a0far too sexual to be\u00a0a kid’s\u00a0movie (Even by hornball ’89 standards,),\u00a0yet at the same time, what adult could enjoy something so juvenile? How seriously are we even\u00a0supposed to take this damn thing? I just can’t say. Frankly,\u00a0I don’t *get* wrestling. If you’re a fan, be advised… This review may peeve you.<\/p>\n

\"001\"<\/p>\n

“Uh,\u00a0Slam into a slim jim, man. Maybe you’ve heard of it?”<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Plot~<\/strong> Hulk Hogan<\/strong> plays Rip<\/strong>, the most captivating and popular professional\u00a0wrestler in the known world, which is a much bigger deal in this movie than it would be in real life. Not only does Rip dominate timeslots when he enters the arena, he’s also a swell guy,\u00a0widely known for his honesty, reliability, appreciation of fine cuisine, and unwavering moral compass. He even speaks French! Nietzsche’s Ubermensch has arrived, and he wears short shorts and a spandex bandana on the regular.<\/p>\n

\"maxresdefaultThat’s his trademark hand gesture thing he does all the time.<\/strong><\/p>\n

However, there’s trouble looming just out of view for poor Rip and his loved ones- shady rival television executive Brell\u00a0is looking to topple Rip in the ratings by any means necessary. In order to do so, our villain founds an ultra-violent, unregulated television brawl fest eloquently named “The Battle of the Tough Guys<\/strong>,” in order to find a champion capable of taking Rip down. His champion comes in the form of a\u00a0homicidal nightmare named Zeus<\/strong>, played by Tommy Lister, a cross-eyed freak show who will stop at nothing to beat people up, probably because he had a bad childhood. That’s just me speculating. Something’s wrong with him for sure, though. So, then some\u00a0more nonsense happens, until the movie is finally\u00a0over and you can go do something else, like walk the dog, or make dinner, or whatever. Your time is yours to do with as you please, really.<\/p>\n

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I once heard Michael Caine<\/strong> make the comparison that acting on stage is like surgery with a scalpel, but acting on film is like surgery with a laser. The point being, of course,\u00a0that when you’re doing live theater, you have to convey your message all the way to the back of the room. On film, you’re free to be much more precise- less is more! You can emote with even the slightest flutter of an eyelid while\u00a0in\u00a0close up, and the impact you have on the audience is greatly amplified. I would wager, if we\u00a0follow this metaphor through to completion, that acting in a professional wrestling ring would then be more like performing surgery with a\u00a0friggin’ battle axe,\u00a0or perhaps some sort of cartoon chainsaw.\u00a0Hulk Hogan clearly did very well for himself winning the hearts of his audience from\u00a0inside the ring, but\u00a0“over the top clown” is all he knows, and it’s just\u00a0not suitable for\u00a0film. The\u00a0Hulkster is about as subtle\u00a0as a Technicolor clown riding a motorcycle through a frame of Schindler’s List<\/a><\/strong><\/em>, and watching him for 90 minutes\u00a0is a chore.\u00a085% of his dialogue is just strained grunting, and somehow the scene where he cries\u00a0by his little brother’s hospital bed\u00a0comes off as being less believable than the scene where he takes down two armed robbers by throwing pies at them. Oh, to live in the world of No Holds Barred<\/em>…<\/p>\n

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Most of the other actors are fine, though, Tommy Lister<\/strong> especially is perfect as the stumbling, murderous Zeus. It’s not a demanding role, but he does it well- Lister would later go on to have small, but memorable\u00a0roles in everything from Luc Besson’s\u00a0The Fifth Element<\/a><\/strong><\/em>, to Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight!<\/strong><\/em><\/a> Not too shabby. Hulk Hogan, on the other hand, would go on to land a starring role in an\u00a0ethnic slur laden sex tape that would end his career and utterly demolish his legacy forever, but he still probably has more money than all of us, because there is no justice in the universe.<\/p>\n

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No Holds Barred<\/em><\/strong> is a bad movie. I’ve learned that fans of professional wrestling do hold a certain reverence and\u00a0affection for the film, and that is to be expected,\u00a0but for the rest of us, I\u00a0calls ’em\u00a0likes I sees ’em. This movie is a horrifyingly chauvinistic, embarrassingly simple string of clich\u00e9s,\u00a0festooned with sweaty men, and slapped together sloppily. You absolutely have to meet it more than half way in order for the narrative to hold together, because it\u00a0under\u00a0the slightest\u00a0level of scrutiny it collapses like France in a fistfight,\u00a0and\u00a0the movie’s many attempts to foster some sort of emotional reaction out of the audience are handled with all the slyness and cunning\u00a0of a North Korean propaganda minister.<\/p>\n

But…<\/strong><\/p>\n

it does have two things going for it: It has the single most terrifying public restroom I’ve ever seen on film, and also, it has the now famous “Dookie Sequence<\/strong><\/a>,” which I’ve included here:<\/p>\n