All Monsters Attack A.K.A. Godzilla’s Revenge~ 1969, Ishiro Honda -Japan

I watched this movie probably 135 times as a child. That makes it hard for me to declare outright that All Monsters Attack is a total piece of crap, even if part of me does want to say that… But that would be dishonest, after all, the film is intentionally geared for a young audience, and I seemed to like it just fine when I was a kid. I can say this, though; for adults, it’s rough. Especially the English dub. Brutal.

The movie focuses on Ichiro, a little kid who nobody likes, least of all the you, the viewer. Ichiro bumbles around sucking at all things, and periodically falls asleep, launching his numerous dream sequences, all of which take place on Monster Island, eternal battleground of giant friggin’ beasts, and therefore the least safe place in the world- but it is here that Ichiro pals around with Minilla, Godzilla’s doofy and equally unworthy son, and slowly learns to stand up for himself and be less of a little bitch. Most of the movie is either Ichiro in the real world, which is super, super depressing, Ichiro on Monster Island, which is goofy, or scenes of Godzilla kicking thing’s asses, which is awesome.

And really, that’s about it for All Monsters Attack, plot wise. The English dub is excruciating, Ichiro sounds like a screeching, annoying little nerd, and that’s really what he is. He had to learn to not suck via dream sequence life lessons, but I would think the same effect could have been achieved if someone had just shaken him and screamed “NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR SHIT, KID, QUIT SUCKING!” right into his face.

I also feel the theme song at the beginning is worth mentioning. Even as a child I thought it was weird, it’s this strange hot jazz/angry funk acid nightmare, listen to it here.

The movie is too uneven, even as a kid’s film. The “real world” sequences are bleak and depressing, which I can remember is how I generally felt about them as a child, even if I could not yet articulate that. Meanwhile, the frequently fast-fowarded to Monster Island sequences delivered the goods, because they packed in like, so many damn monsters. That was probably what made this movie a regular in my childhood VHS rotation, high monster count.

One of the lesser Toho Godzilla films, and possibly the worst Showa outting for Big G..

C-